Married Life

I am a stay at home mother, for real. Lol. I remember being at home with Allie when I first had her, but I hated it and was high most of the time. I never appreciated or truly enjoyed the benefits of staying at home. I always took it as being held down by the "man". I thought I needed to be bringing home money in order to be "somebody", didn't like being put in the same catagory as " barefoot and pregnant". But God changes people and he has changed me. There are some, well alot of areas that still need work, but I kinda like it that way. Gives me something to look forward to, because I know God is never going to give up on me. I've been married for 4 months now and it's going better than I thought it would. Robert and I use to get high together 24/7. We really didn't know each other sober, maybe for a couple months, but nothing that lasted. So this new life we are living is completely new. I've been out of rehab for over a year and he just got our 3 months ago. He will not admit it, but it's harder than he thought it would be. I still worry that he will start getting high again, but I leave that in God's hands. I can't change people, I can only pray for people. He works with this guy who gets high on pills, which was our thing, among other things, and I just pray he will stay strong and never give into that temptation. He wants to go back to Florida, which is where we moved from to get away from trouble, and got into even more trouble here. And that would be fine with me, I love Florida, but I just don't trust him enought to go back yet. Is that bad or what? It's bad when your past still haunts you. I thought I had gotten past alot of this stuff when I was at the mission, but God has allowed me to get into this situation just so he can change me even more into the image of Christ. As a new wife trying to walk as Jesus did, I hold my tongue alot. And I'm finding out what I'm made of, which is alot of crap without God. He's the only thing that makes me worth anything. I've started going to this new church and it's o.k. I had a couple friends who go there who use to go to the mission church when it was open. Oh, yeah, the mission closed, forgot to tell ya that. That was huge for me, not the mission, but the fact that Patty and Scottie were moving 3 hours away. They are my spiritual parents and my best friends. The know me inside and out and it just sucks that I can't pull up and see them whenever I want now. But yet again that's God's way of making me stronger in Christ and I welcome it. Back to what I was sayin' about the church, it's just not like it was at the mission, and I guess I have to realize, nothing will ever be like it was at the mission. I just feel like I'm doing nothing for God. I know I just need to get involved with the church, but I've never done that before and being with a man who isn't as "into" God as I am, it makes it kinda hard. I can't just leave whenever I want to, because I don't have a driver's lisence and I depend on him for a ride. So, yet again I feel stuck. Except for now I feel comfortably stuck. But then I feel guilty for being comfortable. I should be doing something, I came out of hell for goodness sake. I don't know, I'm rambling, but this is the stuff that goes through my head ALL THE TIME. My spirit still wars with my flesh, I think worse now that I know the truth. It was easy before, I was comfortable in sin, I was sin, I didn't have the convictions I have now that make me a nervous wreck so much I can't think straight. I was reading Isaiah this morning and it hit me.
Isaiah 28:10-13 For it is: Do and do, do and do, rule on rule, rule on rule a little here, a little there. Very well then, with foreign lips and stange tongues God will speak to this people, to whom he said, "This is the resting place, let the weary rest, and ,"This is the place of repose but they would not listen. So then, the word of the Lord to them will become: Do and do, do and do, rule on rule, rule on rule; a little here, a little there- so that they will go and fall backward, be injured and snared and captured.
This explains the way I've been feeling lately. I think, " why can't I do that and get by with it?" "Why can't I have any fun doing that anymore?" Screaming there's so many rules. But once again I know the truth. I know it is for my well being and those around me that these "rules" are set in place. I know that I am a chosen child of God because I can't do these horendous things and laugh about it. I know Satan is fighting for my mind, and if he gets my mind, my body follows. I also know that the war is already won, I just have to keep my armor on and continue to fight the good fight. And so I will............................................

Big News

I'm currently still at the Lighthouse Rescue Mission. Things are going great. We don't have any girls here and it's just Patty(director) and me sittin around learning more and more about God and ourselves. I don't know what the future holds with me and the Lighthouse. Things are changing and God's doing big things. I just have to be patient and wait for the Lord to move in my life. I got married on Sepember 25th to Allie's father. He's been begging me to marry him for years now. I didn't ever go through with it before because I knew we were headed for disaster in the lifestyle we led. I know before in my blogs I told you I had completely cut him off and moved on. And I did, but he didn't. He has fought for his family and I've seen God do big changes in him. He graduates from the Hope Center in a week. Then he will be coming to the mission that I work at to stay for 2 weeks and then home with me. It's so wierd he's going to be staying in the same place I lived for a year in recovery. God makes all things beautiful in HIS time. (Ecclesiastes 3:11) It amazes me how if we just follow the simple verse in Matthew 6:33-But seek FIRST his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you as well. If we just seek God's will in everything, he will give us the desires of our heart. And the closer you get to God and get to know Him the more your desires change into His desires. I know we still need alot of work, but I'm finally willing to work at it. I always ran away from hard situations before thinking I was saving myself some trouble, but only made it worse. I'm excited about this new season in my life. I don't know what God is going to do or where He is going to send me in the months ahead, but I'm just happy I'm doing it with Him. Pray for me, because submitting to a man is difficult for me, but if I want to please God, this is part of my call. My past has made me this way, but God says, "Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing. Now, it springs up! Do you not percieve it? Isaiah 43:18-19

Princess Goforth

Things change so quickly. This Friday was my last day at the hotel Heritage Inn. I am going back to the Lighthouse Rescue Mission to work. See, just recently I told my boss at the hotel that I was looking for another job because I needed to make more money for a lawyer. I'm currently trying to find a lawyer that can help me out with getting a hardship license. I found one that will take my case for 500 down and 125 an hour. Obviously I can't do that working this job. I can't just go find a job anywhere and work any hours, because I have to work around my ride. So I'm in a predicament. Fast forward a couple weeks to this past Wednesday. I was talking to Patty at the mission and she said they still need a secretary. The job is basically volunteer work and I will only be getting paid 100 a week. So, I'm in a leap of faith right now. God has taken care of me thus far and I have confidence He will continue to take care of me. I'm really excited about going back to the mission and yet kinda scared. I start thinking about my daughters' future: school, clothes, doctors, Christmas, the usual and wonder "how?" That's what Satan tries to do. He gets you looking into the future and if your me you proceed to freak out. I was reading James this morning and in chapter 4:13-14 Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money," Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

I just want to make the best of every opportunity. I want to make a difference and serve God where He wants me and if that means very little money then I guess that just makes it that more exciting. Alot of people will not understand why I choose to do this. And I say to those people, " You just haven't met God yet" I want to look back on my life and say, " I made the best of every opportunity God gave me." I call that a fullfilled life. Like John 10:10 says The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full. (An abundant life)

So I embark on this journey. God told me a over a year ago that I would be at the mission, but over the months I began to wonder whether I misunderstood. All I could do was keep standing on his promise. I've gone back out into the world and I know there's nothing out there for me. It's not like it use to be. So I've waited for God's timing and I know I can do all things through Christ, but I still need your prayers. Esther 4:14 For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this.

If I remain in the world and just "work" for the rest of my life relief and deliverance for others who still live in the bondage I once lived in will arise from somewhere else, but I would have missed the "opportunity" to make the best out of what God has given me and my family will perish without ever having made an impact in the kingdom of God. And who knows but that I have become a sister to Christ, a child of God (Princess) and heir to the thrown for such a time as this. It just puts a smile on my face. God Bless

My Saving Grace

Life is still life as usual, but my mind has been slipping lately. It's only a matter of time before my body follows unless I get it together. For the last 2 weeks I have been craving a drink so bad my mouth is watering right now. Usually it comes and goes, but stress has overtaken me and it's getting hard to fight it off. I'm still working at Heritage Inn and still finding alcohol and drugs on a daily basis. I've been in contact with Allie's dad, which has been interesting and stressful. Allie seen her dad for the first time in 2 and half years a few weekends ago. He seems to be doing better and I will pray for him always but I have my reservations. It's not necessarily him stressing my out, it's my church family around me. They somewhat rejected Robert and really don't want to give him the time of day, so in a sense I felt rejected and judged. I know Jesus said to love everyone, not just the good ones. so my faith has been tried a little. I know my sisters and brothers didn't mean to come off this way and that they truly want the best for me. They are like my moms and pops, so I guess if I had the pope himself by my side, he still wouldn't be good enough. That makes me feel good to look at it that way. I've learned through my short christian walk that even the holiest person on earth makes mistakes. I guess I'm learning more about me in the long run. I'm learning that there are going to be times when I fall, but I have to remember to reach my hand back out to let Christ lift me up again. I'm just scared to death to fall. I've kinda got a perfect record for 19 months now. I still can't believe I've been sober this long. So inside my head, I'm wondering "whens the day?" I just had my best friend fall a few days ago and I hurt for her and a little worried that I didn't do enough to stop her. She's devastated and she's definitely facing the consequences. That's what us addicts don't think about when we want to get high, is the consequences. I know she's hurting, but I have learned from her. My urge to go drink has lessened dramatically. In all actuality I'm scared. I've worked too hard and too long and I have too much to lose to fall now. All I can do is beg God to keep me and that's exactly what I'm doing. I am begging to keep my life right now. I went to Harlan this weekend. I really needed it. I tried to relax most of the time, but my mom decided to text me this morning. Needless to say things once again didn't end well, but my flesh broke out and my old verbal abusive self came out. I just got so tired of her thinking she was the victim and always in the right. She had the nerve to say that the abuse that happened to me as a kid was My fault, so let me tell you this one thing I know. If Christ did not live in me today, I would be high or dead. Throughout everything I've endured these past few weeks I can still look outside and enjoy the beauty of another day and be sssooooooooooooooo thankful I am sober and have my babygirl near me. Actually she's at her papaws for a week. It gets harder every time. If nothing else, I can't fail my daughter and that in itself puts a burden on me. She definitely keeps me going and God knew just what I needed in times like these.

Lord, if not for me, keep me clean for her.
In Jesus name. Amen

People are Enslaved to Whatever Defeats Them

I've kinda had writer's block lately. The block is exhaustion, but the Lord is still workin'. I went to my first womens' convention last weekend. It was great to hang out with christian girlfriends and have a good time. I got to see Matthew West, Kathy Troccoli, Karen Kingsbury, Stormie Omartin, Chonda Pierce and a few more. It was definitely an experience, but I would have to say my favorite part was the road trip itself. I love to travel and I'm hoping the Lord grants me that desire frequently. During the past few weeks I also started talking to Allie's dad again. Big mistake. I know. Right before he started calling me the Lord told me to let him go. I didn't understand that, because we weren't talking at the time. But he called a few days later and my weakness overcame me of having my family back no matter what it takes. In the end, throughout many phone calls I was rejected for another women who parties and drinks 24/7. Basically an older version of me.(The old "me" and I think he realized that) She's in Lexington where he resides at the Hope Center, so I guess it's also more convienant for him. It kinda killed me because he spent months begging me back in his life and when I finally give in, he moves on. After we hung up I thanked the Lord for the work he was doing in my life, because I was praying for the door to close if He didn't want it because I was too weak. So in the end Robert's rejection was God's protection and I am forever grateful. At church Wednesday night someone mentioned a quote about how we ask for blessings but we have our hands full of other things, so we can't receive what God has for us. And at that moment that just made perfect sense to me. I've basically been waiting to see if this could work out. I've been waiting for almost 2 years. I feel I am finally able to move on now. See, all this time I've worried about drugs taking me down, but really it has always been men. And this scripture says it all: "For uttering bombastic, empty words, they seduce, by fleshly desires and debauchery, people who have barely escaped from those who live in error. They promise them freedom, but they themselves are slaves of corruption, since people are enslaved to whatever defeats them. For if, having escaped the world's impurity through the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in these things and defeated, the last state is worse for them than the first. For it would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness than, after knowing it, to turn back from the holy commandment delivered to them. It has happened to them according to the true proverb: A dog returns to it's own vomit and , a sow after washing itself, wallows in the mud. 2 Peter 2:18-22
Lord, thank you for your grace, mercy and protection. I would still be in hell without you. Amen.

I Feel Like a Horrible Person

I've been in a funk lately and really couldn't figure out why. Really, it's same old, same old. But I guess that's whats getting to me. Since I've dedicated my life to God, I've been use to Him working superfast in my life. Now..........what. I know He's still working, but not in the areas I WANT Him to work in. I'm coming to find out lately how selfish I am. I want my driver's lisence. I'm so tired of working my schedule around everybody else's. I want someone to listen to me, but everytime I try to talk, I get cut off by other important things. I feel alone for the first time in a long time. I feel like I'm getting no where. I'm still working at this hotel, which is not good for someone like me. I found 3 different types of liquor left behind in one my rooms the other day. I took the lid off of one and just smelled it. It smelled good of course, but I put the lid back on and threw them in the trash. Good job right. Then I go to my next room and find a small bud someone had left behind. I smelled it too. It smelled good of course. Yes, I would have to say I am being tested and it sucks. I started this 10 day trial at a gym near my work. I really enjoy working out. I use to work at Gold's Gym in Cincinnatti as a personal trainer, sales, front desk chick. I was really good at what I did until I got really bad on drugs. So I applied there yesterday. They only have positions open for childcare, but I've got to start somewhere. I just need to be somewhere where I don't find drugs all the time. Somethings bound to happen, if I continue to keep myself in this situation. The part in all this that makes me a horrible person is what I told God last night. See, everybody says, "Gods got to be enough." And I felt that I truly thought God was enough, but my actions show something different. I continue to want things in my life and I'm getting frustrated because it's not happening. I'm not feeling very happy lately. So, I've done some self examination and I didn't like what I found. God is not enough for me. When I said this, it scared me. I almost stopped and didn't say it because I thought I was going to hurt Gods' feelings or He was going to punish me or something. (I don't know where I got this notion, so don't ask, Satan is alive and well) Anyway, the biggest wave of peace came over me after I admitted that. Crazy huh. That's what He's been waiting for. We can be in denial and not even know it, that's what makes it so dangerous. Any of us who have drug problems knows the first step to recovery is ADMITTING you have a problem. Well, duh. God works in the simplest ways and our human ways make it so difficult. But I know now I am on my way to recovery in (God being enough). We can say it all day and put our smiling faces on, but if it doesn't show through our actions, then we are just liars and in turn that makes us sinners and sin in sin, so I also basically just committed murder. Can I get an AMEN. Whew. Well, I think I'm done now.....Yep. That's it.

Moments like these would not be happening if it wasn't for Jesus' death and resurrection. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!

My little one....You are my sunshine.

You help me to realize more and more everyday Jesus' love and mercy.

Martha, Martha.........

Yesterday was a weird and upsetting day. Good cause the Lord spoke to me and set me straight and bad cause my mom spoke to me and wrote me off as a daughter. Well, she didn't actually speak, she text me. I will start from the beginning. Before work yesterday I got in the word, well, actually it was one of those times when you just open up the Bible and on that very page is a word from God. It was weird because I have post-it notes in my Bible from past sermons in church. I write all over my Bible. And on this particular day, page and post it note was a word from God. Last year on 4/08/08 the Lord told me the same thing. Luke 10:41 "Martha, Martha" the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her."
I have been running myself to death, physically and mentally. My mind is constantly running trying to remember "what do I have to do next." I've been tempted alot lately and I just haven't been keepin the main thing the main thing. And when you lose sight of Jesus, frustration is the symptom. So, I was determined to keep my eyes on God all day and sit at Jesus' feet, even while I cleaned hotel rooms. Then my mom contacted me. We haven't seen each other or talked since she left with this other man. She text a few times wondering when she could see Allie. Well, this time I told(text) her that she couldn't see Allie alone but maybe next week we could go to McDonalds or the park and hang out for a few hours. She ask "What do you mean not alone?" I told her this was a stupid question considering she cheated on her husband lied to us both and left her own daughter for another man just like old times. You've got to understand my mom. She's never apologized to me for ANYTHING. She's hard headed and proud. She manipulates you so you feel like your wrong. I learned all my bad traits from her. She's got demons she doesn't want to try hard enough to get rid of. She takes her pills and jumps from man to man, just like I use to. I am so grateful for God's grace or I would still be like my mom today. The difference between my mom and I is that I received God's grace and I went through alot of emotional pain to end up free. God wants the same for her, she just can't except it. I can't stand Satan, he blinds multitudes from seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Anyway, moving on to her reply...........hold on, I'll give it to you verbatim, "If u cant trust me with my granddaughter and you cant except ron n my life then i cant except u n my life ill never text or call u again u turn ur back on me now im turning my back on you( oh,sorry, "u") i dont need u and i dont want to hear from u ever again i love allie and i dont need u n my life i have another daughter(what! I'm an only child) good bye"
So, needless to say, I was upset and thought about telling her how happy she just made me, but that was my flesh talking and it certainly wasn't true. So I didn't respond. I don't know why things are turning out like this. I've always wanted a family. Now I have no family. I have my daughter and I want her to have a big family with 2 parents who are totally devoted to God and each other. I think I have unrealistic expectations in a world like today. But I refuse to settle for less. I'm tired of people saying " That's Life." That's crap!!! God said in Jerimiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I want those plans.......and I will wait on the Lord.

Only God Can Do It

Well, it's been a minute, but I'm still kicken. I've spent the last week at the mission. Allie went to her grandpa's for the week. It's been real good. I've had time to get in the word and catch up on some rest. Work is still the same, still working with a bunch of lost people. Although, I had a chance to tell one girl my testimony and she's thinking about coming to my church. Today I gave her the directions to the mission and already satan was on her back. She started making excuses, but I know God's bigger, so I'll just let him do the work. She's one of those who is under the impression, you have to clean up before you go to church. I told her if that was the case, Jesus wouldn't be saving anybody. He came for the oppressed, poor, brokenhearted and the prisoners. I hit a nerve with her and I'm just glad I could be the vessel God used for that particular day for this girl. God's word does not return void, so He has to do the rest. I think people try to get in God's way alot. We try to save people, instead of letting God do it. And let's face it, If God doesn't do it, it won't get done. And that goes for everything. All I have to do is show her Christ everyday I walk into that hotel. Put a smile on my face and show her "It can be done and you can be happy while your doing it." Anyway, I don't know how I got off on all that, but be praying for her. It's cool to see God draws people and what's funny is they don't even know it's God. Ha!

Easter is coming up. I bought the rest of Allie's Easter basket today. I'm putting one together for the first time. This is huge for me, because usually I wouldn't have the money to buy anything for her and if I did, I would return it for money. It's so good to be sober. Last year on Easter I rededicated my life to the Lord. Up until then I just thought Easter was a big egg hunt that somebody made up. I didn't know Jesus was crucified and resurrected and that's why we celebrated it. So it was a big deal for me. God's done alot of work in my life since then. I still struggle with temptation, so pray for me. I know God will always give me a way out. I just pray I will always take it. Happy Easter everyone.

Catching Up

So... it's been a while. I don't have internet access where I live at the moment, so blogging is few and far between lately. But things are going well. I'm working and Allie is in daycare. Stress has tried to get me down, but the Lord pulls me right back up. Cleaning hotel rooms isn't a glorious job, especially when you find bags of cocaine on bathroom counters your second day of work. Yeah, that's right. Satan thinks he's slick. HA. The girl I was working with "supposedly" threw it away. I guess I'll never know. It feels good to come into contact with drugs and not have to do them. I still can't believe I didn't do it. I'm just so different, it freaks me out sometime. I do know I need to get out of this job as quickly as possible, but for the moment it works out with every other area of my life. So, Gods' grace is sufficient. I was asked to give my testimony at Celebrate Recovery on the 31st. I spent 4 hours writing last night. I had never actually written my testimony down before. I usually would just wing it. I'm kinda nervous about it, but excited to tell others what God has done in my life. A bit of information I just found out today is that the judge that sent me to rehab just got indicted. They showed him on the news in an orange jumpsuit. I'm still dumbfounded. It's just weird how this person was really used by God to save me from prison and my own hell and now he's in jail and he's a judge. Just goes to show God can use bad for good. I'm sure this judge isn't a bad man, Satan just got him wrapped up like he has us all at one point in time. I pray for this man and thank God for him at the same time.

I'm still on probation and wondering who my next probation officer will be. The funny thing is....My boss at the hotel, his wife is a probation officer, and one that many have warned me about. It's just funny, God's got a sense of humor. She will probably end up being my p.o. And I'll knock her socks off. No one knows what to expect out of me anymore. Some people are just waiting for me to mess up. That's kinda what you've got to expect when you get clean. Most times even when they see it they don't believe it. Kinda like Jesus, huh. Anyway, I'm still working on getting my D.L. I have to get rides everywhere I go. It's awful being a single mother, living on your own, with no transportation and only bringing in 700 dollars cash a month. But, at this very moment I have a smile on my face, Allie is happy and healthy, I have a roof over my head, lots of food in the fridge and wonderful godly friends. I am truly blessed.

You Are Like A Ray Of Sunshine

Hey, I'm still here. My court date got moved to March 3rd. I went to court yesterday and didn't get out until 4. It was a long day, but well worth it in the end. The Lord asked me a few days ago as I was reading His word, " Is the Lord's arm too short, you will see what I will do for you." And yesterday I walked in a courtroom with 2 felonies over my head while already being a convicted felon. By worlds eyes I was going to prison, but by Gods' hand I was delivered. I walked out with 2 misdemeanors and......................well, my p.o just called me. I've basically got probation for 1 more year. It will be up April 2010. Wow. I still can't believe it. Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, niether have entered into the minds the things the Lord can do for those who love Him. Amen. I'm basking in my "freedom" glow right now.............. Not only am I free from jail, I'm free from the chains that have held me captive all these years. Allie and I have a home now. I actually found a job. I haven't got my driver's lisence yet, but I know the Lord's working on that, because He sent me someone with connections in Walmart yesterday. I'm so excited I'm about to burst. And none of this would be happening unless 2 very important people hadn't listened to God's call on their life. Patty and Scottie Sumner at the Lighthouse Rescue Mission gave up everything to help girls like me almost 4 years ago. They are like my mother and father that I never had. They showed me Christ everyday. They walked what they talked and for that I am free. Patty and Scottie, if you read this, I just want to thank you. What you do is worth it, every last detail. I know it gets hard, but there are thousands of other girls out there just like me. We just have to be willing to endure the "let downs" to get to the "oddballs" like me. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

JUDGEMENT WEEK

Well, my week has been quite interesting. Wednesday I told my mother what she was doing to me, concerning her adultering ways. I'm kinda left to pick up the pieces. She said " I didn't know I was going to get a lecture." So, my feelings were a lecture to her. I asked her if she wanted me to give up trying to have a relationship with her and she never answered. Last night I called her and left a message because she didn't answer my call. I told her to go ahead and move in with her new man, because I didn't want her to feel tied down. She had obviously made her choice. She came home this morning and packed a suitcase without saying a word to me other than asking if she could say goodbye to Allie. I said no. She didn't care enough to spend time with her while she was here, so saying goodbye shouldn't be top on her list either. I can't say I'm shocked at how this has turned out, my mother has always picked her men over me, she even picked one that molested me the whole time she was with him. She's screwed up in the head. I pray God has mercy on her, because she supposedly rededicated her life to the Lord a few months back. God will not be mocked!!! I prayed for a relationship with my mother, but it is not to be. Jesus said, " Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?"....For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother. Matt12:48-50
After my mom left today, I was very hurt, then the Lord spoke to me...."Don't become parteners with those who reject God. How can you make a partenership out of right and wrong. That's not partenership, that's war...............So leave the corruption and compromise; LEAVE IT FOR GOOD," says God. " Don't link up with those who will pollute you. I want you all for myself. I'LL BE A FATHER TO YOU; you'll be sons and daughters to me" 2 Corinthians 6:14....18
Soooo, I'm just trying to have Jesus' attitude in this situation. The old me would have went OFF.
This coming week on the 26th. I have my court date. I am finally being judged. I'm still not as nervous as I feel I should be, but I suppose as each day passes I will be a little on edge. It's in God's control, and Allie will be taken care of at The Lighthouse Rescue Mission, if I were to be locked up, so my heart is at ease. I don't think God has brought me this far to lock me up, but who knows, His ways are not my ways, nor His thoughts my thoughts. Gotta love em. Anyway, I will keep you posted. And thank you for your prayers. Prayer is the weapon that is keeping me alive.

Nothing like Pain to Remind you Your Alive

The past week I have been struggling with severe back pain. I was laid up in bed for 3 days straight. I've never hurt my back and I've done alot of crazy stuff. I use to be a bodybuilder and never did anything like this. I guess the devil was having a hard time getting inside my head, so he started on my body. It almost worked. I had people telling me to go to the hospital and at least get something to ease the pain, but I know that's not a good idea for someone like me. I began a rockin' pity party and I was the only one there. The good news is I passed the temptation from Satan and the test from God. I'm going to be moving to London in a few weeks with a bum back, but I'm just thankful I'm up and walking today. It reminds me that it could be alot worse. I remember laying in a hospital bed over 3 years ago with a gun shot to my stomach. I'm lucky I'm alive and that I don't have to wear a colostomy bag for the rest of my life. I had to wear one for 3 months. I was humbled tremendously. The artery in my leg was severed and I bled to death. All I remember is the blackest black that I've ever seen. I woke up a week later in ICU. I had to undergo a few more surgeries and alot more pain killers, but I stayed so high I didn't even realize what God had done for me. He saved me then, like He's saving me now. He saves me everyday I wake up. I wasn't happy about it then, but I'm so thankful now. I would be spending eternity in hell. Anyway, I don't know how I got off on this, but what I was trying to say is pain reminds you how lucky you are and that it could be worse. Just think about all the crazy, stupid things we've done over the years and we are still healthy as the next person. And then their are good people who wouldn't hurt a fly who end up paralyzed, deaf, or blind, or crippled in some way. Babies that are born with defects and deadly diseases, and here I am still kickin' it after shootin' up, drinking myself into oblivion, smoking crack, snorting cocaine, and countless other stupid and irresponsible things. I don't deserve the blessings I have today. We could ask "why" all day, but that doesn't change anything in the end. It is not for us to know. It is not our troubles that matter, it is who we are in the midst of our troubles. Do we step out and think about others or wallow in our own self pity. It doesn't matter what situation you are in, it could always be worse, and it's by the grace of God you are who you are today and you have what you have, and I'm not talking materially.

On the Fritz

My computer has been on the fritz for about a week, hence the week long gap in my blog. Not too much has happened other than finding out I'm going to have to find about a grand to even be able to begin to get my D.L. back. I also have to have a hearing to see if I can get a hardship license from Florida. If they decide not to do that for me I have to wait until 2012 to get a D.L. I also have to put an Interlock system on my car that I have to blow into before I can start it up, that is if I'm lucky enough to get a hardship license. First of all, how am I suppose to work without a license and a little girl to take care of. I am so mad, mainly at myself, because of my stupid decisions that got me into this mess. But also at the fact that the system keeps me down. How am I suppose to get back on my feet. They make it so hard. I understand why for those that have no respect and never change, but what about those that do. And I see why those that have changed revert back to the life they knew before because they feel hopeless. It's hard enough to pay bills and live life without my issues. I have to work so much harder just to get through each day. Quite frankly, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm selling football cards on ebay just to make some cash. No one will hire me. Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent.

If God's got my Heart He's got my Back

I got good news yesterday. The charges that are coming up against me are probably going to be dropped to a misdemeanor. Yippppeeeee!!! That means probation and not prison. That means being a mother to Allie full time. That means being at the mission to help other girls come throught the same thing. ( When God allows me to.) This also means that there is a God who delivers us even when we don't deserve it, for those who question the fact. We just have to submit to His ways and not our own. I'm going to Union College tomarrow with the mission. We are going to tell about the mission and give testimonies. I pray for open and interested hearts. I went there last year while I was living at the mission in recovery. I wore my traditional beanie and sweatshirt. Apparently, when we left someone said I looked like I would beat somebody up. That's totally not true....Or is it. Just joking. Anyway, I look alot different, but most of all God has allowed me to grow more of a testimony to glorify His name. And as you can see from my blogs, in order for me (an ex-junkie) to continue on everyday throughout everything working against me, God has to be my fix. He's the only one that can do what's being done in me.) And throughout me seeking Him, He has continued to give me a peace that passes all understanding and give me an out in the midst of every temptation. It just goes to show if God's got your heart He's got your back. These are the famous words of my director of the mission, friend, spiritual mother, and sister in Christ, Patty Sumner. And I find them to be true more and more everyday. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me.

Fiery Furnace

1 Peter 4:12-13
Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful(fiery) trial you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.
Now granted at the time Paul wrote this people were being crucified and torn apart for not renouncing Christ, so doesn't that mean I should be rejoicing all the more. (Food for thought, I just learned their were more people killed in the 20 century for Christ sake than in all the years of Christendom.CRAZY!) And the fact that he says not to think it strange. Why are people so dumbfounded when bad things happen, like they actually think bad things will never happen. It's taken me a long time to realize these things are just a part of life "that God has allowed." And to have joy throughout these trials is even weirder to hear. But we have the definition of joy all messed up. My old definition of joy was being so high I couldn't see straight. Others range from having tons of money to having the most toys or having the perfect relationship. The joy of the Lord is our strength. We should have joy knowing that God is in control and He is letting these certain things happen for your benefit here on earth and in His kingdom. So, I guess what I'm trying to do is preach to myself. In my past blogs I have told about my mom and her husband splitting up. Well, it happened last night and I was left talking to Mike while mom was at work. This morning she came home and they quietly decided who was going to get what and how they were going to split their income taxes. WEIRD. Mike is taking it better than I thought, but he knew it was coming. This affects me because I don't agree with my mom, nor does she care. She's going to do what she wants to do. She always has and always will. Men have always been a problem for my mom and that rubbed off on me. By the grace of God I am free from that bondage today, and mom could be too, but she doesn't want to go through the "sufferings" to get to the freedom. Our relationship is strained because of this. We aren't talking like we use to and the sad part is we just started talking like normal mother and daughter about 3 months ago. So she is going to jump from man to man and here is Allie and I wondering what next. The Word says "shun evil." That means even if it is your family. How do you do that? My mom is the only family I have, besides Allie. I "feel" completely alone, because I've cut off everybody else. I know it's not the truth. I have great support at the mission, but at this point that seems so far away. Today was a hard day to hold it together. Mike couldn't stop talking about it and in the end I didn't know what to say, because I can't even think straight. My life is also changing rapidly and I feel like blowing up. So, are you ready to hear the bad news? Ha. Just joking. The good news is I'm still clean. Praise the Lord. Not to say I haven't thought a drink wouldn't be good right now, but I haven't acted on it, nor will I. So, with all this going on and still trying to find a home for my daughter and I, and trying to find a job while being a convicted felon, and trying to get a drivers license, I still have a smile on my face. And only because God puts it there. I can't wait to see what I'm going to be writing in my blog this time next month, because I know God is going to come through. I just don't know how. This adrenaline junkie just got excited.
Lord, I need you, I cannot get through another day without you.

Sister One

Me Now

O.K, so I go to the mission last night for Bible Study and Patty tells me I need to put an updated picture on my blog. She said in my profile picture I was probably high and she's right. So, this is me today. I just recently got a bad haircut. So for future reference if you go inside a salon where they smoke while cutting your hair and tell one of their employees their not wearing their good glasses while cutting their finger and bleeding, just don't do it. Lesson learned. Anyway, my spirits were lifted after the study last night. Just being around these wonderful people is a blessing to me. My circumstances haven't changed since my last blog, but my attitude has. I went to go pack my stuff at the mission and when I got there I found it sitting at the front door already packed. My heart actually dropped. Tanya, my best friend, had moved her pictures into the room we both were supposed to move in and my stuff was in a suitcase at the front door!!! It's not surprising to me. Since the day I was born I have practically been living out of a suitcase. It just hurts not to get what "you think you need and what you think God wants you to do." I've learned to stop planning things any whatsoever. I'm actually looking forward to this new challenge. Usually when my back is against the wall I do my best, but my best is nothing compared to Gods'. So, I am waiting on the Lord to guide me. Literally, I have no dog in this fight, there is nothing I can do about my family falling apart, but I can still seek the Lord each and everyday and be the best Godly mother I can be. Little by little God will walk me through this trial. When I got home last night I unpacked my stuff and found a card from Tanya and a scarf she made me. It brought tears to my eyes, because she knows I'm going through a very difficult time and she is always there. In the past, my so called "friends" would just give me a pill or something and I was so grateful. I was soooo ignorant! But anyway, Tanya if you read this, I love ya girl. I don't know why I've been getting so emotional lately. I'm usually a very hard edged person, well, I use to be before Christ became a part of my life. It's scary to be as open as I am now, because there is room to be hurt. I'm still trying to get use to who I am in Christ. I find myself wanting to love on people and encourage people. The old me had a "Bubble." You did not enter my bubble unless you had something I wanted. Christ refines me more and more everyday. I am in the fiery furnace. Praise the Lord He considers me worthy of His kingdom, to prepare me before I even get there.

KEEP THE MAIN THING THE MAIN THING

I am going through a hard time. My family is falling apart. I have another court day on Febraury 19th. I need to find a job, because things at the mission just aren't feasible for Allie and I to stay there right now. I don't have a driver's liscence and it's going to be very difficult to find somewhere to work when I'm a convicted felon, moving to London in a month or so, with 2 courtdates next month and a baby. Honestly, I feel quite hopeless, but I know God is still in control and he didn't pull me out of the pit just to let me fall right back in it. When times get hard, I try to remember the phrase a very special person once said in his sermon. He said "Keep the main thing the main thing." Meaning, always keep our eyes on Jesus. There is nothing we can go through that he did not face himself. Always keep our eyes on the cross. In hard times, this is easier said than done, but it gives me hope, instead of wallowing in self pity. I am not sure of anything anymore and even God has a plan in that. Praise the Lord anyway, right.

GUESS WHAT

I GOT MY SUMMONS TODAY

THE LORD IS NOT SLOW IN KEEPING HIS PROMISE, AS SOME UNDERSTAND SLOWNESS. HE IS PATIENT WITH YOU, NOT WANTING ANYONE TO PERISH, BUT EVERYONE TO COME TO REPENTANCE. 2 Peter 3:9

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, becuase when he has stood the test, he will recieve the crown of life that God has promised to those who LOVE Him. James 1:12

What is God doing?

I made it out of my p.o.'s office yesterday. I still have a warrant out for me, but I'm still free. Praise to the Lord, because not only do I get to spend time with Allie, I am having very important conversations with my mom. The Lord is working on her and so is Satan. Mom see's how free I am now and she wants it, but Satan confuses and frightens her away from it. She told me she drank about a month ago and she's doing worse on her smoking. She's headed backward, just what Satan wants and I refuse to let him have her anymore.(Although that mainly lies in my mom's refusal than mine.) I'm trying to get mom to go to the mission. Lord, please, she's 52 and has been chained to these issues for too long. I was praying last night and I realized I was scared for my mom. But fear is not of God, so I asked God to help me with that. Then this morning I open my Bible and the first verse I read is Luke 8:50 ..."Don't be afraid, just believe, and she will be healed." How great is that. I don't know what the Lord is doing, but I just pray my mom follows along. And Lord, if there's anything I can do, show me. I don't know what I will do if mom does go to the mission. I will not leave Allie with Mike. Patty has already said it would be too difficult having Allie at the mission with me. Lord, my mind is going crazy. I don't know what's about to happen, but I feel something is about to break. In the meantime, I praise you Lord for the work your doing not only in my life, but my families life. Some except it and some don't. The one who doesn't is headed toward destruction just like I told him he would if he kept turning his back on God. God loves Mike(my mom's husband) just as much as he loves me, but Mike will not except it, so we will see what becomes of him. He see's the work of God when he see's me. I am who I am today because of God and he refuses to see that. He's mad at God because his son was shot by the cops and killed.(Mind you, he wasn't following God's ways beforehand either) He thinks God has done that to him, when He may be doing FOR him. God didn't kill his son, but nothing happens unless God allows it. It has to go through Him first. We may never know the "whys" to everything, but God giveth and He taketh away, praise the Lord anyway. Sometimes, that 's easier said than done. Well, I've rambled on enough. It's like this everytime I come home. It's more stressful to be here than to be at the mission with 8 addicts on your hands. Ha Ha. I don't know, maybe it's equal. Allie's calling for my attention, she wants to play bubbles, so duty calls. Later.

P.O.

Well, it's early. I've been up since 5:30 this morning. I have to leave the mission and go see my p.o. today. I'm just praying he doesn't have a warrant in his hand when I walk in. I've been convicted lately of just praying for God to save me from this ordeal. There are times where I pray for His will to be done, but my heart flutters when I do. I'm consciously leaving my life in the Lord's hands today. I have to do that everyday, because I tend to pick bits and pieces of it back up. I'm sad I have to leave the girls, especially when we are getting 3 more in this week. But I'm also happy because I get to go home and spend time with Allie, Lord willing. Tanya is coming back to the mission today. I've laid out some pranks all over her room. I wish I could be here to see her face when she comes face to face with them. Now, you've got to understand this girl pranks me all the time and I always say, "You just wait, it's coming!" And yet I never do anything. I'm just not as creative as her. Anyway, I finally did something, alot of somethings. He He He. I'm so weird now. The things I do and get a kick out of it. The old me would be bored to death if I wasn't high doing whatever, it didn't matter. You just don't have the same zeal for life when your high. Your just high! BORING. I can't believe I didn't realize that before. Just goes to show when you are in addiction you are literally blinded to everything else that doesn't involve getting high. LORD, I LOVE BEING FREE!

Mommy I'm Sick

Yesterday was a hard day. I was running a temperature all day and my body hurt so bad. I have ulcers from excessive worry, drinking and drugging, they were killing me too. When I get sick like that, it reminds me of withdrawals. It pretty much puts me back in 2004 when I found out I was pregnant with Allie and had to withdraw off heroin for the first time. Cold sweats, body hurts just breathing, puking, and going to the bathroom every 5 minutes. It's not a pretty site. I guess it's good that I am reminded of this, it makes me even more determined not to go back down that road. My mom was suppose to come to church today, but church was cancelled and there is black ice all over the roads. That bummed me out cause I miss Allie and her so much. I text my mom asking her to bring me medicine. I called her "Mommy" I haven't said that since I was 5. It's nice to have a real relationship with my mom for the first time in my life. She couldn't come, but my spiritual mother got my back. Patty can diagnose just about anything. She gave me a prilosec and I was on my way to slumber heaven. I guess my body is telling me I'm stressed about something and I don't even realize it until I'm practically bedridden. With my new position in the world now and facing court, I guess I am a little stressed. I'm not worried though. Does that make sense? Anyway, I feel better today. Yippeeeee.

The natural spring at the mission

The first snow of the year.09

Me and My Baby

Can't touch this!!!

Smile, your on candy camera

Mercy Falls Fresh Like Sweet Spring Rain

Today started off with a word from God. Isaiah 42:9 "See, the former things have taken place and new things I declare; before they spring into being I announce them to you." If you've read my former blogs you'll know I've been fighting to keep hope in what my future holds concerning prison. But, today, God basically told me the future before it happened. I called my probation officer to see if I got the summons yet. The answer was "I don't know." But that's not the end. He did say he talked to my prosecuting attorney and that he was willing to give me probation, and if that happens, it's by the grace of God.(Cause he was trying to stick it to me a few weeks ago) My p.o. definitely sees a change in me, he is calling around to find out about my case and actually called my back today, which he never did before. It's just amazing to see people who saw me at my worst have faith in me. He knows I've changed and he's rooting for me. God gave me this p.o. And I'm going to prove him right. I'm going to make him look good. I pray God blesses him for believing in me when others in the court system have practically given up on me. And that's not all. I got my driver's liscense taken away for 5 years in the state of Florida. I finished my dui classes while I was at the mission and worked at the mission to pay off my bill. I thought I still owed Comp Care money, but I called today and they actually owe me money. WOW! And I'm hoping to get my driver's liscense back within a month. It's only been a year and a half since I got my driver's liscense suspended. God has a couple tricks up his sleeve. PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!! How could we not love a God that loves us so completely? I guess the hardest part is to except the fact that someone would love you enough to die for you, especially when those closest to you tend to be the ones that hurt you the most. It's crazy how a few words from a book can make you feel so much more alive. The word is alive and active, and I know this to be TRUTH from experience. God once again gave me hope through a few words and a few phone calls. I know I don't deserve this mercy, this forgiveness, this unconditional love, but oh does it feel so good...........

CUT IT OFF

Over the past few days I have told the father of my child not to contact me again and I deleted my Myspace account. These were the last two things of my past that I was holding on to. It's very hard to completely change my life. These contacts were the last of my drug world. They were the last of the only world I had ever known. I do love my life now, but I am constantly thinking about prison. I still have all these legal issues hanging over my head and all I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. Allie and mom came over last night for bible study. I cherish every moment I have with her. Lord, please prepare a way for me to minister and raise my child at the same time. I'm planning on going back home to Somerset on Sunday, but I'm worried about the warrant out on me and I don't want to leave the girls. There are 2 more coming in on Monday, so I want to be here for everything. A judge came by yesterday to check out the mission. He knew my judge and my attorney. It was WEIRD. God works in mysterious ways. And even if nothing comes of his visit for my situation, it gave me hope for that day. God knows what keeps me going. I see great things happening for this mission and I want to be a part of it. All I have to do is stay sober, stay out of prison, and live like Christ.............If God doesn't come through, I'm toast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like a Dog Running back to it's own Vomit

Without the Holy Spirit dwelling in me, I truly believe I would rip someone's head off. Throughout my addiction I have learned alot of patience, but it just kills me when people are so ungrateful. I'm missing Allie so much, I'm facing more than 6 years prison and I'm here trying to help girls recover from addiction and other life controlling issues. There's one girl here, I'll call her L, she constantly has an attitude with me. Mind you, she was my "homedog" when we were going through the program together. She doesn't want to listen to me. Last night during NA she actually called me a loser. I'm realizing more than ever how different I really have become. I'm not her "homedog" anymore. I pray for her to stop being so hard headed and want a life worth living, but she is like a dog running back to their own vomit. It hurts me, but even Jesus said speak peace and shake the dust off your feet. I have to learn that I'm not the worldly Michelle I use to be and that I will probably be disliked more than I am liked.(Especially with my personality) Being sober and having to drop all the friends(aquaintances) you had before and continue to keep other bad influences at bay can be very lonely at times. Allie's dad was a major part of my drug addiction and he just got out of prison. He's trying to get back in my life, but we will never work again. I have to think about my daughter. And that calls for hard decisions. He was my best friend and new all my dark secrets and Satan tries to tell you "You'll never find anyone better". But I know that to be a lie. There are times we have to drop the good to get the best. The Lord thinks I'm worth it, it's about time I start believing that too.

Day of Rest

Today was a good day. We have chapel services in the basement and the Lord knows just what to say. It was the girls first day in church here at the mission. Last night they were up until midnight afraid of loud noises downstairs.( Which was Poppy shutting the door ) I grow to care for them more and more, but I know I have to be careful because they can screw you over at any time. I know because I use to be a con just like them. My mom and Allie came to church today. I hadn't seen Allie for a week. Sometimes it is so hard to be away from her, but I know I'm doing what God would have me do. Mom and I are communicating like never before. For the first time in my life I am actually getting to know my mom. Tanya never ceases to make me almost pee my pants.(She's a chick that went through the mission with me) We became best friends. We ended our day by prank calling a couple that volunteers here at the mission. It's crazy the things we do to have fun now. I don't have to feel bad about what I did the night before or wonder what or who I did. It is truly a freedom I have never experienced until this past year. Tomarrow is the beginning of a brand new week. I'm praying I get the summons for court this week. I can't even walk out the door of the mission for fear of being arrested. But, this too shall pass. It's all about faith. Do I really want this life or not? It's hard to face the fact that I'm free today, but may be locked up for years tomarrow. Is God going to pour out His grace on me once again? I can only plead with God for mercy.

Gettin' in the Groove

When I was at the mission I concluded that God was calling me to this area of work. I have decided to stay and help other girls come through the mission. We just had a new set of girls come in on January 5th. I had to help one of them go through heroine withdrawals. She ran out the door barefoot in 40 degree wheather 3 days into her recovery to tried to catch a ride with someone she didn't even know. We are in Kentucky and she lives in Indiana. When the drugs call.... you can't help but answer. Being on the other side of the fence is difficult, but also exciting. I'm having to stay strong not only for myself, but for the girls that are looking at me as an example of what it's like to be clean and sober. I still crave getting high and I probably will always struggle with this, but God always gives me a way out. I'm still learning how to live a normal life. What is normal anyway? All I know is everyday I wake up and before my feet hit the floor I thank the Lord for waking me up. I should have been dead a long time ago. Between overdosing and being shot; I've been to hell and back. God has given me a second chance, and you really don't care about second chances until your at deaths' door. I am humbled that he would include me in the lives of others. I still don't know yet what I have to give to these girls, but I do know I am honored to be a part of a mission that saved my life. So I'm just getting into the swing of things, trying to be in the world, but not of it. But, Lord, there are so many distractions!!!

INDICTED AGAIN

Everyday has been a stuggle for me to stay positive in my situation, but God carries me through. To catch you up on my situation, I'll tell you a little bit about this past year. 2008 is the year God said, "O.k. that's enough!!!" I have been an addict from the age of 15. I've been addicted to it all. Alcohol, cocaine,crack, prescription drugs, heroine, you name it, I've withdrawed from it. I got charged with 3 counts of recieving stolen property and couldn't stay clean long enough to get through my trial. I ended up getting 2 DUI's that put my case in worse shape. My first circuit court hearing I fell asleep in the bench because I was hung over from the night before. I had no idea what I was in for and didn't care because I was so messed up. I ended up bargaining with God on the jail house floor. I asked Him if He would get me out of there I would not drink for 3 years.(That's how long I was on probation) God was merciful and got me out. 6 months later on Halloween night I had my first drink in 6 months(although I had been getting high on other things for the past 3 months) 2 weeks later my p.o came knocking on my door and arrested me. Mind you, I have a beautiful little girl who is caught in the whirlwind of my addiction at the same time. My mom and her husband had left that day to go to Ohio to my step-brother's funeral. The cops had shot him to death and I just wanted to stay home and get high. I stayed in jail for 2 months and by the grace of God, Judge Miracle ( and yes, that's his real name) filled in for my original judge on my court day. He knew these people in London, Ky at the Lighthouse Rescue Mission and referred me to treatment. I am blessed to have not gone to prison that day. Anyway, I figured I would pull my 6 months in rehab and go home and just live better without drugs. God had different plans. He completely turned my world upside down. Patty and Scottie Sumner are 2 people God used to save my life. The mission is a Christ-based, Bible based facility or better said "home." I actually ended up staying 10 months total and I missed my babygirl terribly. But the Lord gives you a peace that passes all understanding when you are within His will. While at the mission I was indicted again for the pills they found on me when they arrested me at my house for failing a urine test on heroine and methadone. Sometimes I wondered what I was even holding on for. Wondering if I was going to go through all this and still end up in prison. I just recently went back to court and they've set a trial date for February 26th. I'm scared, but God knows my heart and my desires and I know he's got my back. But....I got indicted again on 12/30/08 for the gun the DEA agents found in my house. It wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't a convicted felon. It is my mom's husbands' gun, but that doesn't matter to the cops. They have deliberately brought this out after my recovery to try and lock me up anyway. I know they are just doing there job. If you look at my rap sheet, it looks like I have no respect for the law, and truth be told, I didn't a year ago. I am a new creation in Christ. I don't even think the same. I get convicted if I drop a piece of trash and don't pick it up. It's been difficult to get use to my new life and I'm holding on to God's promise that His will is good, pleasing, and perfect. And if I delight myself in the Lord, he will give me the desires of my heart. My desire is to raise my daughter the way a Godly mother should and the work at the mission to help other girls come through the darkness of addiction. And I trust God. That's even weird to hear myself say, because I didn't grow up in church. I'm not religious none whatsoever. 2008 God said, "That's enough" and he's done a tremendous work on me these last 12 months. And it's even weirder to say, "I wouldn't change it for anything."