JUDGEMENT WEEK

Well, my week has been quite interesting. Wednesday I told my mother what she was doing to me, concerning her adultering ways. I'm kinda left to pick up the pieces. She said " I didn't know I was going to get a lecture." So, my feelings were a lecture to her. I asked her if she wanted me to give up trying to have a relationship with her and she never answered. Last night I called her and left a message because she didn't answer my call. I told her to go ahead and move in with her new man, because I didn't want her to feel tied down. She had obviously made her choice. She came home this morning and packed a suitcase without saying a word to me other than asking if she could say goodbye to Allie. I said no. She didn't care enough to spend time with her while she was here, so saying goodbye shouldn't be top on her list either. I can't say I'm shocked at how this has turned out, my mother has always picked her men over me, she even picked one that molested me the whole time she was with him. She's screwed up in the head. I pray God has mercy on her, because she supposedly rededicated her life to the Lord a few months back. God will not be mocked!!! I prayed for a relationship with my mother, but it is not to be. Jesus said, " Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?"....For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother. Matt12:48-50
After my mom left today, I was very hurt, then the Lord spoke to me...."Don't become parteners with those who reject God. How can you make a partenership out of right and wrong. That's not partenership, that's war...............So leave the corruption and compromise; LEAVE IT FOR GOOD," says God. " Don't link up with those who will pollute you. I want you all for myself. I'LL BE A FATHER TO YOU; you'll be sons and daughters to me" 2 Corinthians 6:14....18
Soooo, I'm just trying to have Jesus' attitude in this situation. The old me would have went OFF.
This coming week on the 26th. I have my court date. I am finally being judged. I'm still not as nervous as I feel I should be, but I suppose as each day passes I will be a little on edge. It's in God's control, and Allie will be taken care of at The Lighthouse Rescue Mission, if I were to be locked up, so my heart is at ease. I don't think God has brought me this far to lock me up, but who knows, His ways are not my ways, nor His thoughts my thoughts. Gotta love em. Anyway, I will keep you posted. And thank you for your prayers. Prayer is the weapon that is keeping me alive.

Nothing like Pain to Remind you Your Alive

The past week I have been struggling with severe back pain. I was laid up in bed for 3 days straight. I've never hurt my back and I've done alot of crazy stuff. I use to be a bodybuilder and never did anything like this. I guess the devil was having a hard time getting inside my head, so he started on my body. It almost worked. I had people telling me to go to the hospital and at least get something to ease the pain, but I know that's not a good idea for someone like me. I began a rockin' pity party and I was the only one there. The good news is I passed the temptation from Satan and the test from God. I'm going to be moving to London in a few weeks with a bum back, but I'm just thankful I'm up and walking today. It reminds me that it could be alot worse. I remember laying in a hospital bed over 3 years ago with a gun shot to my stomach. I'm lucky I'm alive and that I don't have to wear a colostomy bag for the rest of my life. I had to wear one for 3 months. I was humbled tremendously. The artery in my leg was severed and I bled to death. All I remember is the blackest black that I've ever seen. I woke up a week later in ICU. I had to undergo a few more surgeries and alot more pain killers, but I stayed so high I didn't even realize what God had done for me. He saved me then, like He's saving me now. He saves me everyday I wake up. I wasn't happy about it then, but I'm so thankful now. I would be spending eternity in hell. Anyway, I don't know how I got off on this, but what I was trying to say is pain reminds you how lucky you are and that it could be worse. Just think about all the crazy, stupid things we've done over the years and we are still healthy as the next person. And then their are good people who wouldn't hurt a fly who end up paralyzed, deaf, or blind, or crippled in some way. Babies that are born with defects and deadly diseases, and here I am still kickin' it after shootin' up, drinking myself into oblivion, smoking crack, snorting cocaine, and countless other stupid and irresponsible things. I don't deserve the blessings I have today. We could ask "why" all day, but that doesn't change anything in the end. It is not for us to know. It is not our troubles that matter, it is who we are in the midst of our troubles. Do we step out and think about others or wallow in our own self pity. It doesn't matter what situation you are in, it could always be worse, and it's by the grace of God you are who you are today and you have what you have, and I'm not talking materially.

On the Fritz

My computer has been on the fritz for about a week, hence the week long gap in my blog. Not too much has happened other than finding out I'm going to have to find about a grand to even be able to begin to get my D.L. back. I also have to have a hearing to see if I can get a hardship license from Florida. If they decide not to do that for me I have to wait until 2012 to get a D.L. I also have to put an Interlock system on my car that I have to blow into before I can start it up, that is if I'm lucky enough to get a hardship license. First of all, how am I suppose to work without a license and a little girl to take care of. I am so mad, mainly at myself, because of my stupid decisions that got me into this mess. But also at the fact that the system keeps me down. How am I suppose to get back on my feet. They make it so hard. I understand why for those that have no respect and never change, but what about those that do. And I see why those that have changed revert back to the life they knew before because they feel hopeless. It's hard enough to pay bills and live life without my issues. I have to work so much harder just to get through each day. Quite frankly, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm selling football cards on ebay just to make some cash. No one will hire me. Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent.

If God's got my Heart He's got my Back

I got good news yesterday. The charges that are coming up against me are probably going to be dropped to a misdemeanor. Yippppeeeee!!! That means probation and not prison. That means being a mother to Allie full time. That means being at the mission to help other girls come throught the same thing. ( When God allows me to.) This also means that there is a God who delivers us even when we don't deserve it, for those who question the fact. We just have to submit to His ways and not our own. I'm going to Union College tomarrow with the mission. We are going to tell about the mission and give testimonies. I pray for open and interested hearts. I went there last year while I was living at the mission in recovery. I wore my traditional beanie and sweatshirt. Apparently, when we left someone said I looked like I would beat somebody up. That's totally not true....Or is it. Just joking. Anyway, I look alot different, but most of all God has allowed me to grow more of a testimony to glorify His name. And as you can see from my blogs, in order for me (an ex-junkie) to continue on everyday throughout everything working against me, God has to be my fix. He's the only one that can do what's being done in me.) And throughout me seeking Him, He has continued to give me a peace that passes all understanding and give me an out in the midst of every temptation. It just goes to show if God's got your heart He's got your back. These are the famous words of my director of the mission, friend, spiritual mother, and sister in Christ, Patty Sumner. And I find them to be true more and more everyday. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me.