Fiery Furnace

1 Peter 4:12-13
Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful(fiery) trial you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.
Now granted at the time Paul wrote this people were being crucified and torn apart for not renouncing Christ, so doesn't that mean I should be rejoicing all the more. (Food for thought, I just learned their were more people killed in the 20 century for Christ sake than in all the years of Christendom.CRAZY!) And the fact that he says not to think it strange. Why are people so dumbfounded when bad things happen, like they actually think bad things will never happen. It's taken me a long time to realize these things are just a part of life "that God has allowed." And to have joy throughout these trials is even weirder to hear. But we have the definition of joy all messed up. My old definition of joy was being so high I couldn't see straight. Others range from having tons of money to having the most toys or having the perfect relationship. The joy of the Lord is our strength. We should have joy knowing that God is in control and He is letting these certain things happen for your benefit here on earth and in His kingdom. So, I guess what I'm trying to do is preach to myself. In my past blogs I have told about my mom and her husband splitting up. Well, it happened last night and I was left talking to Mike while mom was at work. This morning she came home and they quietly decided who was going to get what and how they were going to split their income taxes. WEIRD. Mike is taking it better than I thought, but he knew it was coming. This affects me because I don't agree with my mom, nor does she care. She's going to do what she wants to do. She always has and always will. Men have always been a problem for my mom and that rubbed off on me. By the grace of God I am free from that bondage today, and mom could be too, but she doesn't want to go through the "sufferings" to get to the freedom. Our relationship is strained because of this. We aren't talking like we use to and the sad part is we just started talking like normal mother and daughter about 3 months ago. So she is going to jump from man to man and here is Allie and I wondering what next. The Word says "shun evil." That means even if it is your family. How do you do that? My mom is the only family I have, besides Allie. I "feel" completely alone, because I've cut off everybody else. I know it's not the truth. I have great support at the mission, but at this point that seems so far away. Today was a hard day to hold it together. Mike couldn't stop talking about it and in the end I didn't know what to say, because I can't even think straight. My life is also changing rapidly and I feel like blowing up. So, are you ready to hear the bad news? Ha. Just joking. The good news is I'm still clean. Praise the Lord. Not to say I haven't thought a drink wouldn't be good right now, but I haven't acted on it, nor will I. So, with all this going on and still trying to find a home for my daughter and I, and trying to find a job while being a convicted felon, and trying to get a drivers license, I still have a smile on my face. And only because God puts it there. I can't wait to see what I'm going to be writing in my blog this time next month, because I know God is going to come through. I just don't know how. This adrenaline junkie just got excited.
Lord, I need you, I cannot get through another day without you.

Sister One

Me Now

O.K, so I go to the mission last night for Bible Study and Patty tells me I need to put an updated picture on my blog. She said in my profile picture I was probably high and she's right. So, this is me today. I just recently got a bad haircut. So for future reference if you go inside a salon where they smoke while cutting your hair and tell one of their employees their not wearing their good glasses while cutting their finger and bleeding, just don't do it. Lesson learned. Anyway, my spirits were lifted after the study last night. Just being around these wonderful people is a blessing to me. My circumstances haven't changed since my last blog, but my attitude has. I went to go pack my stuff at the mission and when I got there I found it sitting at the front door already packed. My heart actually dropped. Tanya, my best friend, had moved her pictures into the room we both were supposed to move in and my stuff was in a suitcase at the front door!!! It's not surprising to me. Since the day I was born I have practically been living out of a suitcase. It just hurts not to get what "you think you need and what you think God wants you to do." I've learned to stop planning things any whatsoever. I'm actually looking forward to this new challenge. Usually when my back is against the wall I do my best, but my best is nothing compared to Gods'. So, I am waiting on the Lord to guide me. Literally, I have no dog in this fight, there is nothing I can do about my family falling apart, but I can still seek the Lord each and everyday and be the best Godly mother I can be. Little by little God will walk me through this trial. When I got home last night I unpacked my stuff and found a card from Tanya and a scarf she made me. It brought tears to my eyes, because she knows I'm going through a very difficult time and she is always there. In the past, my so called "friends" would just give me a pill or something and I was so grateful. I was soooo ignorant! But anyway, Tanya if you read this, I love ya girl. I don't know why I've been getting so emotional lately. I'm usually a very hard edged person, well, I use to be before Christ became a part of my life. It's scary to be as open as I am now, because there is room to be hurt. I'm still trying to get use to who I am in Christ. I find myself wanting to love on people and encourage people. The old me had a "Bubble." You did not enter my bubble unless you had something I wanted. Christ refines me more and more everyday. I am in the fiery furnace. Praise the Lord He considers me worthy of His kingdom, to prepare me before I even get there.

KEEP THE MAIN THING THE MAIN THING

I am going through a hard time. My family is falling apart. I have another court day on Febraury 19th. I need to find a job, because things at the mission just aren't feasible for Allie and I to stay there right now. I don't have a driver's liscence and it's going to be very difficult to find somewhere to work when I'm a convicted felon, moving to London in a month or so, with 2 courtdates next month and a baby. Honestly, I feel quite hopeless, but I know God is still in control and he didn't pull me out of the pit just to let me fall right back in it. When times get hard, I try to remember the phrase a very special person once said in his sermon. He said "Keep the main thing the main thing." Meaning, always keep our eyes on Jesus. There is nothing we can go through that he did not face himself. Always keep our eyes on the cross. In hard times, this is easier said than done, but it gives me hope, instead of wallowing in self pity. I am not sure of anything anymore and even God has a plan in that. Praise the Lord anyway, right.

GUESS WHAT

I GOT MY SUMMONS TODAY

THE LORD IS NOT SLOW IN KEEPING HIS PROMISE, AS SOME UNDERSTAND SLOWNESS. HE IS PATIENT WITH YOU, NOT WANTING ANYONE TO PERISH, BUT EVERYONE TO COME TO REPENTANCE. 2 Peter 3:9

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, becuase when he has stood the test, he will recieve the crown of life that God has promised to those who LOVE Him. James 1:12

What is God doing?

I made it out of my p.o.'s office yesterday. I still have a warrant out for me, but I'm still free. Praise to the Lord, because not only do I get to spend time with Allie, I am having very important conversations with my mom. The Lord is working on her and so is Satan. Mom see's how free I am now and she wants it, but Satan confuses and frightens her away from it. She told me she drank about a month ago and she's doing worse on her smoking. She's headed backward, just what Satan wants and I refuse to let him have her anymore.(Although that mainly lies in my mom's refusal than mine.) I'm trying to get mom to go to the mission. Lord, please, she's 52 and has been chained to these issues for too long. I was praying last night and I realized I was scared for my mom. But fear is not of God, so I asked God to help me with that. Then this morning I open my Bible and the first verse I read is Luke 8:50 ..."Don't be afraid, just believe, and she will be healed." How great is that. I don't know what the Lord is doing, but I just pray my mom follows along. And Lord, if there's anything I can do, show me. I don't know what I will do if mom does go to the mission. I will not leave Allie with Mike. Patty has already said it would be too difficult having Allie at the mission with me. Lord, my mind is going crazy. I don't know what's about to happen, but I feel something is about to break. In the meantime, I praise you Lord for the work your doing not only in my life, but my families life. Some except it and some don't. The one who doesn't is headed toward destruction just like I told him he would if he kept turning his back on God. God loves Mike(my mom's husband) just as much as he loves me, but Mike will not except it, so we will see what becomes of him. He see's the work of God when he see's me. I am who I am today because of God and he refuses to see that. He's mad at God because his son was shot by the cops and killed.(Mind you, he wasn't following God's ways beforehand either) He thinks God has done that to him, when He may be doing FOR him. God didn't kill his son, but nothing happens unless God allows it. It has to go through Him first. We may never know the "whys" to everything, but God giveth and He taketh away, praise the Lord anyway. Sometimes, that 's easier said than done. Well, I've rambled on enough. It's like this everytime I come home. It's more stressful to be here than to be at the mission with 8 addicts on your hands. Ha Ha. I don't know, maybe it's equal. Allie's calling for my attention, she wants to play bubbles, so duty calls. Later.

P.O.

Well, it's early. I've been up since 5:30 this morning. I have to leave the mission and go see my p.o. today. I'm just praying he doesn't have a warrant in his hand when I walk in. I've been convicted lately of just praying for God to save me from this ordeal. There are times where I pray for His will to be done, but my heart flutters when I do. I'm consciously leaving my life in the Lord's hands today. I have to do that everyday, because I tend to pick bits and pieces of it back up. I'm sad I have to leave the girls, especially when we are getting 3 more in this week. But I'm also happy because I get to go home and spend time with Allie, Lord willing. Tanya is coming back to the mission today. I've laid out some pranks all over her room. I wish I could be here to see her face when she comes face to face with them. Now, you've got to understand this girl pranks me all the time and I always say, "You just wait, it's coming!" And yet I never do anything. I'm just not as creative as her. Anyway, I finally did something, alot of somethings. He He He. I'm so weird now. The things I do and get a kick out of it. The old me would be bored to death if I wasn't high doing whatever, it didn't matter. You just don't have the same zeal for life when your high. Your just high! BORING. I can't believe I didn't realize that before. Just goes to show when you are in addiction you are literally blinded to everything else that doesn't involve getting high. LORD, I LOVE BEING FREE!

Mommy I'm Sick

Yesterday was a hard day. I was running a temperature all day and my body hurt so bad. I have ulcers from excessive worry, drinking and drugging, they were killing me too. When I get sick like that, it reminds me of withdrawals. It pretty much puts me back in 2004 when I found out I was pregnant with Allie and had to withdraw off heroin for the first time. Cold sweats, body hurts just breathing, puking, and going to the bathroom every 5 minutes. It's not a pretty site. I guess it's good that I am reminded of this, it makes me even more determined not to go back down that road. My mom was suppose to come to church today, but church was cancelled and there is black ice all over the roads. That bummed me out cause I miss Allie and her so much. I text my mom asking her to bring me medicine. I called her "Mommy" I haven't said that since I was 5. It's nice to have a real relationship with my mom for the first time in my life. She couldn't come, but my spiritual mother got my back. Patty can diagnose just about anything. She gave me a prilosec and I was on my way to slumber heaven. I guess my body is telling me I'm stressed about something and I don't even realize it until I'm practically bedridden. With my new position in the world now and facing court, I guess I am a little stressed. I'm not worried though. Does that make sense? Anyway, I feel better today. Yippeeeee.

The natural spring at the mission

The first snow of the year.09

Me and My Baby

Can't touch this!!!

Smile, your on candy camera

Mercy Falls Fresh Like Sweet Spring Rain

Today started off with a word from God. Isaiah 42:9 "See, the former things have taken place and new things I declare; before they spring into being I announce them to you." If you've read my former blogs you'll know I've been fighting to keep hope in what my future holds concerning prison. But, today, God basically told me the future before it happened. I called my probation officer to see if I got the summons yet. The answer was "I don't know." But that's not the end. He did say he talked to my prosecuting attorney and that he was willing to give me probation, and if that happens, it's by the grace of God.(Cause he was trying to stick it to me a few weeks ago) My p.o. definitely sees a change in me, he is calling around to find out about my case and actually called my back today, which he never did before. It's just amazing to see people who saw me at my worst have faith in me. He knows I've changed and he's rooting for me. God gave me this p.o. And I'm going to prove him right. I'm going to make him look good. I pray God blesses him for believing in me when others in the court system have practically given up on me. And that's not all. I got my driver's liscense taken away for 5 years in the state of Florida. I finished my dui classes while I was at the mission and worked at the mission to pay off my bill. I thought I still owed Comp Care money, but I called today and they actually owe me money. WOW! And I'm hoping to get my driver's liscense back within a month. It's only been a year and a half since I got my driver's liscense suspended. God has a couple tricks up his sleeve. PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!! How could we not love a God that loves us so completely? I guess the hardest part is to except the fact that someone would love you enough to die for you, especially when those closest to you tend to be the ones that hurt you the most. It's crazy how a few words from a book can make you feel so much more alive. The word is alive and active, and I know this to be TRUTH from experience. God once again gave me hope through a few words and a few phone calls. I know I don't deserve this mercy, this forgiveness, this unconditional love, but oh does it feel so good...........

CUT IT OFF

Over the past few days I have told the father of my child not to contact me again and I deleted my Myspace account. These were the last two things of my past that I was holding on to. It's very hard to completely change my life. These contacts were the last of my drug world. They were the last of the only world I had ever known. I do love my life now, but I am constantly thinking about prison. I still have all these legal issues hanging over my head and all I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. Allie and mom came over last night for bible study. I cherish every moment I have with her. Lord, please prepare a way for me to minister and raise my child at the same time. I'm planning on going back home to Somerset on Sunday, but I'm worried about the warrant out on me and I don't want to leave the girls. There are 2 more coming in on Monday, so I want to be here for everything. A judge came by yesterday to check out the mission. He knew my judge and my attorney. It was WEIRD. God works in mysterious ways. And even if nothing comes of his visit for my situation, it gave me hope for that day. God knows what keeps me going. I see great things happening for this mission and I want to be a part of it. All I have to do is stay sober, stay out of prison, and live like Christ.............If God doesn't come through, I'm toast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like a Dog Running back to it's own Vomit

Without the Holy Spirit dwelling in me, I truly believe I would rip someone's head off. Throughout my addiction I have learned alot of patience, but it just kills me when people are so ungrateful. I'm missing Allie so much, I'm facing more than 6 years prison and I'm here trying to help girls recover from addiction and other life controlling issues. There's one girl here, I'll call her L, she constantly has an attitude with me. Mind you, she was my "homedog" when we were going through the program together. She doesn't want to listen to me. Last night during NA she actually called me a loser. I'm realizing more than ever how different I really have become. I'm not her "homedog" anymore. I pray for her to stop being so hard headed and want a life worth living, but she is like a dog running back to their own vomit. It hurts me, but even Jesus said speak peace and shake the dust off your feet. I have to learn that I'm not the worldly Michelle I use to be and that I will probably be disliked more than I am liked.(Especially with my personality) Being sober and having to drop all the friends(aquaintances) you had before and continue to keep other bad influences at bay can be very lonely at times. Allie's dad was a major part of my drug addiction and he just got out of prison. He's trying to get back in my life, but we will never work again. I have to think about my daughter. And that calls for hard decisions. He was my best friend and new all my dark secrets and Satan tries to tell you "You'll never find anyone better". But I know that to be a lie. There are times we have to drop the good to get the best. The Lord thinks I'm worth it, it's about time I start believing that too.

Day of Rest

Today was a good day. We have chapel services in the basement and the Lord knows just what to say. It was the girls first day in church here at the mission. Last night they were up until midnight afraid of loud noises downstairs.( Which was Poppy shutting the door ) I grow to care for them more and more, but I know I have to be careful because they can screw you over at any time. I know because I use to be a con just like them. My mom and Allie came to church today. I hadn't seen Allie for a week. Sometimes it is so hard to be away from her, but I know I'm doing what God would have me do. Mom and I are communicating like never before. For the first time in my life I am actually getting to know my mom. Tanya never ceases to make me almost pee my pants.(She's a chick that went through the mission with me) We became best friends. We ended our day by prank calling a couple that volunteers here at the mission. It's crazy the things we do to have fun now. I don't have to feel bad about what I did the night before or wonder what or who I did. It is truly a freedom I have never experienced until this past year. Tomarrow is the beginning of a brand new week. I'm praying I get the summons for court this week. I can't even walk out the door of the mission for fear of being arrested. But, this too shall pass. It's all about faith. Do I really want this life or not? It's hard to face the fact that I'm free today, but may be locked up for years tomarrow. Is God going to pour out His grace on me once again? I can only plead with God for mercy.

Gettin' in the Groove

When I was at the mission I concluded that God was calling me to this area of work. I have decided to stay and help other girls come through the mission. We just had a new set of girls come in on January 5th. I had to help one of them go through heroine withdrawals. She ran out the door barefoot in 40 degree wheather 3 days into her recovery to tried to catch a ride with someone she didn't even know. We are in Kentucky and she lives in Indiana. When the drugs call.... you can't help but answer. Being on the other side of the fence is difficult, but also exciting. I'm having to stay strong not only for myself, but for the girls that are looking at me as an example of what it's like to be clean and sober. I still crave getting high and I probably will always struggle with this, but God always gives me a way out. I'm still learning how to live a normal life. What is normal anyway? All I know is everyday I wake up and before my feet hit the floor I thank the Lord for waking me up. I should have been dead a long time ago. Between overdosing and being shot; I've been to hell and back. God has given me a second chance, and you really don't care about second chances until your at deaths' door. I am humbled that he would include me in the lives of others. I still don't know yet what I have to give to these girls, but I do know I am honored to be a part of a mission that saved my life. So I'm just getting into the swing of things, trying to be in the world, but not of it. But, Lord, there are so many distractions!!!

INDICTED AGAIN

Everyday has been a stuggle for me to stay positive in my situation, but God carries me through. To catch you up on my situation, I'll tell you a little bit about this past year. 2008 is the year God said, "O.k. that's enough!!!" I have been an addict from the age of 15. I've been addicted to it all. Alcohol, cocaine,crack, prescription drugs, heroine, you name it, I've withdrawed from it. I got charged with 3 counts of recieving stolen property and couldn't stay clean long enough to get through my trial. I ended up getting 2 DUI's that put my case in worse shape. My first circuit court hearing I fell asleep in the bench because I was hung over from the night before. I had no idea what I was in for and didn't care because I was so messed up. I ended up bargaining with God on the jail house floor. I asked Him if He would get me out of there I would not drink for 3 years.(That's how long I was on probation) God was merciful and got me out. 6 months later on Halloween night I had my first drink in 6 months(although I had been getting high on other things for the past 3 months) 2 weeks later my p.o came knocking on my door and arrested me. Mind you, I have a beautiful little girl who is caught in the whirlwind of my addiction at the same time. My mom and her husband had left that day to go to Ohio to my step-brother's funeral. The cops had shot him to death and I just wanted to stay home and get high. I stayed in jail for 2 months and by the grace of God, Judge Miracle ( and yes, that's his real name) filled in for my original judge on my court day. He knew these people in London, Ky at the Lighthouse Rescue Mission and referred me to treatment. I am blessed to have not gone to prison that day. Anyway, I figured I would pull my 6 months in rehab and go home and just live better without drugs. God had different plans. He completely turned my world upside down. Patty and Scottie Sumner are 2 people God used to save my life. The mission is a Christ-based, Bible based facility or better said "home." I actually ended up staying 10 months total and I missed my babygirl terribly. But the Lord gives you a peace that passes all understanding when you are within His will. While at the mission I was indicted again for the pills they found on me when they arrested me at my house for failing a urine test on heroine and methadone. Sometimes I wondered what I was even holding on for. Wondering if I was going to go through all this and still end up in prison. I just recently went back to court and they've set a trial date for February 26th. I'm scared, but God knows my heart and my desires and I know he's got my back. But....I got indicted again on 12/30/08 for the gun the DEA agents found in my house. It wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't a convicted felon. It is my mom's husbands' gun, but that doesn't matter to the cops. They have deliberately brought this out after my recovery to try and lock me up anyway. I know they are just doing there job. If you look at my rap sheet, it looks like I have no respect for the law, and truth be told, I didn't a year ago. I am a new creation in Christ. I don't even think the same. I get convicted if I drop a piece of trash and don't pick it up. It's been difficult to get use to my new life and I'm holding on to God's promise that His will is good, pleasing, and perfect. And if I delight myself in the Lord, he will give me the desires of my heart. My desire is to raise my daughter the way a Godly mother should and the work at the mission to help other girls come through the darkness of addiction. And I trust God. That's even weird to hear myself say, because I didn't grow up in church. I'm not religious none whatsoever. 2008 God said, "That's enough" and he's done a tremendous work on me these last 12 months. And it's even weirder to say, "I wouldn't change it for anything."