I Feel Like a Horrible Person

I've been in a funk lately and really couldn't figure out why. Really, it's same old, same old. But I guess that's whats getting to me. Since I've dedicated my life to God, I've been use to Him working superfast in my life. Now..........what. I know He's still working, but not in the areas I WANT Him to work in. I'm coming to find out lately how selfish I am. I want my driver's lisence. I'm so tired of working my schedule around everybody else's. I want someone to listen to me, but everytime I try to talk, I get cut off by other important things. I feel alone for the first time in a long time. I feel like I'm getting no where. I'm still working at this hotel, which is not good for someone like me. I found 3 different types of liquor left behind in one my rooms the other day. I took the lid off of one and just smelled it. It smelled good of course, but I put the lid back on and threw them in the trash. Good job right. Then I go to my next room and find a small bud someone had left behind. I smelled it too. It smelled good of course. Yes, I would have to say I am being tested and it sucks. I started this 10 day trial at a gym near my work. I really enjoy working out. I use to work at Gold's Gym in Cincinnatti as a personal trainer, sales, front desk chick. I was really good at what I did until I got really bad on drugs. So I applied there yesterday. They only have positions open for childcare, but I've got to start somewhere. I just need to be somewhere where I don't find drugs all the time. Somethings bound to happen, if I continue to keep myself in this situation. The part in all this that makes me a horrible person is what I told God last night. See, everybody says, "Gods got to be enough." And I felt that I truly thought God was enough, but my actions show something different. I continue to want things in my life and I'm getting frustrated because it's not happening. I'm not feeling very happy lately. So, I've done some self examination and I didn't like what I found. God is not enough for me. When I said this, it scared me. I almost stopped and didn't say it because I thought I was going to hurt Gods' feelings or He was going to punish me or something. (I don't know where I got this notion, so don't ask, Satan is alive and well) Anyway, the biggest wave of peace came over me after I admitted that. Crazy huh. That's what He's been waiting for. We can be in denial and not even know it, that's what makes it so dangerous. Any of us who have drug problems knows the first step to recovery is ADMITTING you have a problem. Well, duh. God works in the simplest ways and our human ways make it so difficult. But I know now I am on my way to recovery in (God being enough). We can say it all day and put our smiling faces on, but if it doesn't show through our actions, then we are just liars and in turn that makes us sinners and sin in sin, so I also basically just committed murder. Can I get an AMEN. Whew. Well, I think I'm done now.....Yep. That's it.

Moments like these would not be happening if it wasn't for Jesus' death and resurrection. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!

My little one....You are my sunshine.

You help me to realize more and more everyday Jesus' love and mercy.

Martha, Martha.........

Yesterday was a weird and upsetting day. Good cause the Lord spoke to me and set me straight and bad cause my mom spoke to me and wrote me off as a daughter. Well, she didn't actually speak, she text me. I will start from the beginning. Before work yesterday I got in the word, well, actually it was one of those times when you just open up the Bible and on that very page is a word from God. It was weird because I have post-it notes in my Bible from past sermons in church. I write all over my Bible. And on this particular day, page and post it note was a word from God. Last year on 4/08/08 the Lord told me the same thing. Luke 10:41 "Martha, Martha" the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her."
I have been running myself to death, physically and mentally. My mind is constantly running trying to remember "what do I have to do next." I've been tempted alot lately and I just haven't been keepin the main thing the main thing. And when you lose sight of Jesus, frustration is the symptom. So, I was determined to keep my eyes on God all day and sit at Jesus' feet, even while I cleaned hotel rooms. Then my mom contacted me. We haven't seen each other or talked since she left with this other man. She text a few times wondering when she could see Allie. Well, this time I told(text) her that she couldn't see Allie alone but maybe next week we could go to McDonalds or the park and hang out for a few hours. She ask "What do you mean not alone?" I told her this was a stupid question considering she cheated on her husband lied to us both and left her own daughter for another man just like old times. You've got to understand my mom. She's never apologized to me for ANYTHING. She's hard headed and proud. She manipulates you so you feel like your wrong. I learned all my bad traits from her. She's got demons she doesn't want to try hard enough to get rid of. She takes her pills and jumps from man to man, just like I use to. I am so grateful for God's grace or I would still be like my mom today. The difference between my mom and I is that I received God's grace and I went through alot of emotional pain to end up free. God wants the same for her, she just can't except it. I can't stand Satan, he blinds multitudes from seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Anyway, moving on to her reply...........hold on, I'll give it to you verbatim, "If u cant trust me with my granddaughter and you cant except ron n my life then i cant except u n my life ill never text or call u again u turn ur back on me now im turning my back on you( oh,sorry, "u") i dont need u and i dont want to hear from u ever again i love allie and i dont need u n my life i have another daughter(what! I'm an only child) good bye"
So, needless to say, I was upset and thought about telling her how happy she just made me, but that was my flesh talking and it certainly wasn't true. So I didn't respond. I don't know why things are turning out like this. I've always wanted a family. Now I have no family. I have my daughter and I want her to have a big family with 2 parents who are totally devoted to God and each other. I think I have unrealistic expectations in a world like today. But I refuse to settle for less. I'm tired of people saying " That's Life." That's crap!!! God said in Jerimiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I want those plans.......and I will wait on the Lord.

Only God Can Do It

Well, it's been a minute, but I'm still kicken. I've spent the last week at the mission. Allie went to her grandpa's for the week. It's been real good. I've had time to get in the word and catch up on some rest. Work is still the same, still working with a bunch of lost people. Although, I had a chance to tell one girl my testimony and she's thinking about coming to my church. Today I gave her the directions to the mission and already satan was on her back. She started making excuses, but I know God's bigger, so I'll just let him do the work. She's one of those who is under the impression, you have to clean up before you go to church. I told her if that was the case, Jesus wouldn't be saving anybody. He came for the oppressed, poor, brokenhearted and the prisoners. I hit a nerve with her and I'm just glad I could be the vessel God used for that particular day for this girl. God's word does not return void, so He has to do the rest. I think people try to get in God's way alot. We try to save people, instead of letting God do it. And let's face it, If God doesn't do it, it won't get done. And that goes for everything. All I have to do is show her Christ everyday I walk into that hotel. Put a smile on my face and show her "It can be done and you can be happy while your doing it." Anyway, I don't know how I got off on all that, but be praying for her. It's cool to see God draws people and what's funny is they don't even know it's God. Ha!

Easter is coming up. I bought the rest of Allie's Easter basket today. I'm putting one together for the first time. This is huge for me, because usually I wouldn't have the money to buy anything for her and if I did, I would return it for money. It's so good to be sober. Last year on Easter I rededicated my life to the Lord. Up until then I just thought Easter was a big egg hunt that somebody made up. I didn't know Jesus was crucified and resurrected and that's why we celebrated it. So it was a big deal for me. God's done alot of work in my life since then. I still struggle with temptation, so pray for me. I know God will always give me a way out. I just pray I will always take it. Happy Easter everyone.