Married Life

I am a stay at home mother, for real. Lol. I remember being at home with Allie when I first had her, but I hated it and was high most of the time. I never appreciated or truly enjoyed the benefits of staying at home. I always took it as being held down by the "man". I thought I needed to be bringing home money in order to be "somebody", didn't like being put in the same catagory as " barefoot and pregnant". But God changes people and he has changed me. There are some, well alot of areas that still need work, but I kinda like it that way. Gives me something to look forward to, because I know God is never going to give up on me. I've been married for 4 months now and it's going better than I thought it would. Robert and I use to get high together 24/7. We really didn't know each other sober, maybe for a couple months, but nothing that lasted. So this new life we are living is completely new. I've been out of rehab for over a year and he just got our 3 months ago. He will not admit it, but it's harder than he thought it would be. I still worry that he will start getting high again, but I leave that in God's hands. I can't change people, I can only pray for people. He works with this guy who gets high on pills, which was our thing, among other things, and I just pray he will stay strong and never give into that temptation. He wants to go back to Florida, which is where we moved from to get away from trouble, and got into even more trouble here. And that would be fine with me, I love Florida, but I just don't trust him enought to go back yet. Is that bad or what? It's bad when your past still haunts you. I thought I had gotten past alot of this stuff when I was at the mission, but God has allowed me to get into this situation just so he can change me even more into the image of Christ. As a new wife trying to walk as Jesus did, I hold my tongue alot. And I'm finding out what I'm made of, which is alot of crap without God. He's the only thing that makes me worth anything. I've started going to this new church and it's o.k. I had a couple friends who go there who use to go to the mission church when it was open. Oh, yeah, the mission closed, forgot to tell ya that. That was huge for me, not the mission, but the fact that Patty and Scottie were moving 3 hours away. They are my spiritual parents and my best friends. The know me inside and out and it just sucks that I can't pull up and see them whenever I want now. But yet again that's God's way of making me stronger in Christ and I welcome it. Back to what I was sayin' about the church, it's just not like it was at the mission, and I guess I have to realize, nothing will ever be like it was at the mission. I just feel like I'm doing nothing for God. I know I just need to get involved with the church, but I've never done that before and being with a man who isn't as "into" God as I am, it makes it kinda hard. I can't just leave whenever I want to, because I don't have a driver's lisence and I depend on him for a ride. So, yet again I feel stuck. Except for now I feel comfortably stuck. But then I feel guilty for being comfortable. I should be doing something, I came out of hell for goodness sake. I don't know, I'm rambling, but this is the stuff that goes through my head ALL THE TIME. My spirit still wars with my flesh, I think worse now that I know the truth. It was easy before, I was comfortable in sin, I was sin, I didn't have the convictions I have now that make me a nervous wreck so much I can't think straight. I was reading Isaiah this morning and it hit me.
Isaiah 28:10-13 For it is: Do and do, do and do, rule on rule, rule on rule a little here, a little there. Very well then, with foreign lips and stange tongues God will speak to this people, to whom he said, "This is the resting place, let the weary rest, and ,"This is the place of repose but they would not listen. So then, the word of the Lord to them will become: Do and do, do and do, rule on rule, rule on rule; a little here, a little there- so that they will go and fall backward, be injured and snared and captured.
This explains the way I've been feeling lately. I think, " why can't I do that and get by with it?" "Why can't I have any fun doing that anymore?" Screaming there's so many rules. But once again I know the truth. I know it is for my well being and those around me that these "rules" are set in place. I know that I am a chosen child of God because I can't do these horendous things and laugh about it. I know Satan is fighting for my mind, and if he gets my mind, my body follows. I also know that the war is already won, I just have to keep my armor on and continue to fight the good fight. And so I will............................................