My Saving Grace

Life is still life as usual, but my mind has been slipping lately. It's only a matter of time before my body follows unless I get it together. For the last 2 weeks I have been craving a drink so bad my mouth is watering right now. Usually it comes and goes, but stress has overtaken me and it's getting hard to fight it off. I'm still working at Heritage Inn and still finding alcohol and drugs on a daily basis. I've been in contact with Allie's dad, which has been interesting and stressful. Allie seen her dad for the first time in 2 and half years a few weekends ago. He seems to be doing better and I will pray for him always but I have my reservations. It's not necessarily him stressing my out, it's my church family around me. They somewhat rejected Robert and really don't want to give him the time of day, so in a sense I felt rejected and judged. I know Jesus said to love everyone, not just the good ones. so my faith has been tried a little. I know my sisters and brothers didn't mean to come off this way and that they truly want the best for me. They are like my moms and pops, so I guess if I had the pope himself by my side, he still wouldn't be good enough. That makes me feel good to look at it that way. I've learned through my short christian walk that even the holiest person on earth makes mistakes. I guess I'm learning more about me in the long run. I'm learning that there are going to be times when I fall, but I have to remember to reach my hand back out to let Christ lift me up again. I'm just scared to death to fall. I've kinda got a perfect record for 19 months now. I still can't believe I've been sober this long. So inside my head, I'm wondering "whens the day?" I just had my best friend fall a few days ago and I hurt for her and a little worried that I didn't do enough to stop her. She's devastated and she's definitely facing the consequences. That's what us addicts don't think about when we want to get high, is the consequences. I know she's hurting, but I have learned from her. My urge to go drink has lessened dramatically. In all actuality I'm scared. I've worked too hard and too long and I have too much to lose to fall now. All I can do is beg God to keep me and that's exactly what I'm doing. I am begging to keep my life right now. I went to Harlan this weekend. I really needed it. I tried to relax most of the time, but my mom decided to text me this morning. Needless to say things once again didn't end well, but my flesh broke out and my old verbal abusive self came out. I just got so tired of her thinking she was the victim and always in the right. She had the nerve to say that the abuse that happened to me as a kid was My fault, so let me tell you this one thing I know. If Christ did not live in me today, I would be high or dead. Throughout everything I've endured these past few weeks I can still look outside and enjoy the beauty of another day and be sssooooooooooooooo thankful I am sober and have my babygirl near me. Actually she's at her papaws for a week. It gets harder every time. If nothing else, I can't fail my daughter and that in itself puts a burden on me. She definitely keeps me going and God knew just what I needed in times like these.

Lord, if not for me, keep me clean for her.
In Jesus name. Amen