Big News

I'm currently still at the Lighthouse Rescue Mission. Things are going great. We don't have any girls here and it's just Patty(director) and me sittin around learning more and more about God and ourselves. I don't know what the future holds with me and the Lighthouse. Things are changing and God's doing big things. I just have to be patient and wait for the Lord to move in my life. I got married on Sepember 25th to Allie's father. He's been begging me to marry him for years now. I didn't ever go through with it before because I knew we were headed for disaster in the lifestyle we led. I know before in my blogs I told you I had completely cut him off and moved on. And I did, but he didn't. He has fought for his family and I've seen God do big changes in him. He graduates from the Hope Center in a week. Then he will be coming to the mission that I work at to stay for 2 weeks and then home with me. It's so wierd he's going to be staying in the same place I lived for a year in recovery. God makes all things beautiful in HIS time. (Ecclesiastes 3:11) It amazes me how if we just follow the simple verse in Matthew 6:33-But seek FIRST his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you as well. If we just seek God's will in everything, he will give us the desires of our heart. And the closer you get to God and get to know Him the more your desires change into His desires. I know we still need alot of work, but I'm finally willing to work at it. I always ran away from hard situations before thinking I was saving myself some trouble, but only made it worse. I'm excited about this new season in my life. I don't know what God is going to do or where He is going to send me in the months ahead, but I'm just happy I'm doing it with Him. Pray for me, because submitting to a man is difficult for me, but if I want to please God, this is part of my call. My past has made me this way, but God says, "Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing. Now, it springs up! Do you not percieve it? Isaiah 43:18-19

Princess Goforth

Things change so quickly. This Friday was my last day at the hotel Heritage Inn. I am going back to the Lighthouse Rescue Mission to work. See, just recently I told my boss at the hotel that I was looking for another job because I needed to make more money for a lawyer. I'm currently trying to find a lawyer that can help me out with getting a hardship license. I found one that will take my case for 500 down and 125 an hour. Obviously I can't do that working this job. I can't just go find a job anywhere and work any hours, because I have to work around my ride. So I'm in a predicament. Fast forward a couple weeks to this past Wednesday. I was talking to Patty at the mission and she said they still need a secretary. The job is basically volunteer work and I will only be getting paid 100 a week. So, I'm in a leap of faith right now. God has taken care of me thus far and I have confidence He will continue to take care of me. I'm really excited about going back to the mission and yet kinda scared. I start thinking about my daughters' future: school, clothes, doctors, Christmas, the usual and wonder "how?" That's what Satan tries to do. He gets you looking into the future and if your me you proceed to freak out. I was reading James this morning and in chapter 4:13-14 Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money," Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

I just want to make the best of every opportunity. I want to make a difference and serve God where He wants me and if that means very little money then I guess that just makes it that more exciting. Alot of people will not understand why I choose to do this. And I say to those people, " You just haven't met God yet" I want to look back on my life and say, " I made the best of every opportunity God gave me." I call that a fullfilled life. Like John 10:10 says The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full. (An abundant life)

So I embark on this journey. God told me a over a year ago that I would be at the mission, but over the months I began to wonder whether I misunderstood. All I could do was keep standing on his promise. I've gone back out into the world and I know there's nothing out there for me. It's not like it use to be. So I've waited for God's timing and I know I can do all things through Christ, but I still need your prayers. Esther 4:14 For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this.

If I remain in the world and just "work" for the rest of my life relief and deliverance for others who still live in the bondage I once lived in will arise from somewhere else, but I would have missed the "opportunity" to make the best out of what God has given me and my family will perish without ever having made an impact in the kingdom of God. And who knows but that I have become a sister to Christ, a child of God (Princess) and heir to the thrown for such a time as this. It just puts a smile on my face. God Bless

My Saving Grace

Life is still life as usual, but my mind has been slipping lately. It's only a matter of time before my body follows unless I get it together. For the last 2 weeks I have been craving a drink so bad my mouth is watering right now. Usually it comes and goes, but stress has overtaken me and it's getting hard to fight it off. I'm still working at Heritage Inn and still finding alcohol and drugs on a daily basis. I've been in contact with Allie's dad, which has been interesting and stressful. Allie seen her dad for the first time in 2 and half years a few weekends ago. He seems to be doing better and I will pray for him always but I have my reservations. It's not necessarily him stressing my out, it's my church family around me. They somewhat rejected Robert and really don't want to give him the time of day, so in a sense I felt rejected and judged. I know Jesus said to love everyone, not just the good ones. so my faith has been tried a little. I know my sisters and brothers didn't mean to come off this way and that they truly want the best for me. They are like my moms and pops, so I guess if I had the pope himself by my side, he still wouldn't be good enough. That makes me feel good to look at it that way. I've learned through my short christian walk that even the holiest person on earth makes mistakes. I guess I'm learning more about me in the long run. I'm learning that there are going to be times when I fall, but I have to remember to reach my hand back out to let Christ lift me up again. I'm just scared to death to fall. I've kinda got a perfect record for 19 months now. I still can't believe I've been sober this long. So inside my head, I'm wondering "whens the day?" I just had my best friend fall a few days ago and I hurt for her and a little worried that I didn't do enough to stop her. She's devastated and she's definitely facing the consequences. That's what us addicts don't think about when we want to get high, is the consequences. I know she's hurting, but I have learned from her. My urge to go drink has lessened dramatically. In all actuality I'm scared. I've worked too hard and too long and I have too much to lose to fall now. All I can do is beg God to keep me and that's exactly what I'm doing. I am begging to keep my life right now. I went to Harlan this weekend. I really needed it. I tried to relax most of the time, but my mom decided to text me this morning. Needless to say things once again didn't end well, but my flesh broke out and my old verbal abusive self came out. I just got so tired of her thinking she was the victim and always in the right. She had the nerve to say that the abuse that happened to me as a kid was My fault, so let me tell you this one thing I know. If Christ did not live in me today, I would be high or dead. Throughout everything I've endured these past few weeks I can still look outside and enjoy the beauty of another day and be sssooooooooooooooo thankful I am sober and have my babygirl near me. Actually she's at her papaws for a week. It gets harder every time. If nothing else, I can't fail my daughter and that in itself puts a burden on me. She definitely keeps me going and God knew just what I needed in times like these.

Lord, if not for me, keep me clean for her.
In Jesus name. Amen

People are Enslaved to Whatever Defeats Them

I've kinda had writer's block lately. The block is exhaustion, but the Lord is still workin'. I went to my first womens' convention last weekend. It was great to hang out with christian girlfriends and have a good time. I got to see Matthew West, Kathy Troccoli, Karen Kingsbury, Stormie Omartin, Chonda Pierce and a few more. It was definitely an experience, but I would have to say my favorite part was the road trip itself. I love to travel and I'm hoping the Lord grants me that desire frequently. During the past few weeks I also started talking to Allie's dad again. Big mistake. I know. Right before he started calling me the Lord told me to let him go. I didn't understand that, because we weren't talking at the time. But he called a few days later and my weakness overcame me of having my family back no matter what it takes. In the end, throughout many phone calls I was rejected for another women who parties and drinks 24/7. Basically an older version of me.(The old "me" and I think he realized that) She's in Lexington where he resides at the Hope Center, so I guess it's also more convienant for him. It kinda killed me because he spent months begging me back in his life and when I finally give in, he moves on. After we hung up I thanked the Lord for the work he was doing in my life, because I was praying for the door to close if He didn't want it because I was too weak. So in the end Robert's rejection was God's protection and I am forever grateful. At church Wednesday night someone mentioned a quote about how we ask for blessings but we have our hands full of other things, so we can't receive what God has for us. And at that moment that just made perfect sense to me. I've basically been waiting to see if this could work out. I've been waiting for almost 2 years. I feel I am finally able to move on now. See, all this time I've worried about drugs taking me down, but really it has always been men. And this scripture says it all: "For uttering bombastic, empty words, they seduce, by fleshly desires and debauchery, people who have barely escaped from those who live in error. They promise them freedom, but they themselves are slaves of corruption, since people are enslaved to whatever defeats them. For if, having escaped the world's impurity through the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in these things and defeated, the last state is worse for them than the first. For it would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness than, after knowing it, to turn back from the holy commandment delivered to them. It has happened to them according to the true proverb: A dog returns to it's own vomit and , a sow after washing itself, wallows in the mud. 2 Peter 2:18-22
Lord, thank you for your grace, mercy and protection. I would still be in hell without you. Amen.

I Feel Like a Horrible Person

I've been in a funk lately and really couldn't figure out why. Really, it's same old, same old. But I guess that's whats getting to me. Since I've dedicated my life to God, I've been use to Him working superfast in my life. Now..........what. I know He's still working, but not in the areas I WANT Him to work in. I'm coming to find out lately how selfish I am. I want my driver's lisence. I'm so tired of working my schedule around everybody else's. I want someone to listen to me, but everytime I try to talk, I get cut off by other important things. I feel alone for the first time in a long time. I feel like I'm getting no where. I'm still working at this hotel, which is not good for someone like me. I found 3 different types of liquor left behind in one my rooms the other day. I took the lid off of one and just smelled it. It smelled good of course, but I put the lid back on and threw them in the trash. Good job right. Then I go to my next room and find a small bud someone had left behind. I smelled it too. It smelled good of course. Yes, I would have to say I am being tested and it sucks. I started this 10 day trial at a gym near my work. I really enjoy working out. I use to work at Gold's Gym in Cincinnatti as a personal trainer, sales, front desk chick. I was really good at what I did until I got really bad on drugs. So I applied there yesterday. They only have positions open for childcare, but I've got to start somewhere. I just need to be somewhere where I don't find drugs all the time. Somethings bound to happen, if I continue to keep myself in this situation. The part in all this that makes me a horrible person is what I told God last night. See, everybody says, "Gods got to be enough." And I felt that I truly thought God was enough, but my actions show something different. I continue to want things in my life and I'm getting frustrated because it's not happening. I'm not feeling very happy lately. So, I've done some self examination and I didn't like what I found. God is not enough for me. When I said this, it scared me. I almost stopped and didn't say it because I thought I was going to hurt Gods' feelings or He was going to punish me or something. (I don't know where I got this notion, so don't ask, Satan is alive and well) Anyway, the biggest wave of peace came over me after I admitted that. Crazy huh. That's what He's been waiting for. We can be in denial and not even know it, that's what makes it so dangerous. Any of us who have drug problems knows the first step to recovery is ADMITTING you have a problem. Well, duh. God works in the simplest ways and our human ways make it so difficult. But I know now I am on my way to recovery in (God being enough). We can say it all day and put our smiling faces on, but if it doesn't show through our actions, then we are just liars and in turn that makes us sinners and sin in sin, so I also basically just committed murder. Can I get an AMEN. Whew. Well, I think I'm done now.....Yep. That's it.

Moments like these would not be happening if it wasn't for Jesus' death and resurrection. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!

My little one....You are my sunshine.

You help me to realize more and more everyday Jesus' love and mercy.

Martha, Martha.........

Yesterday was a weird and upsetting day. Good cause the Lord spoke to me and set me straight and bad cause my mom spoke to me and wrote me off as a daughter. Well, she didn't actually speak, she text me. I will start from the beginning. Before work yesterday I got in the word, well, actually it was one of those times when you just open up the Bible and on that very page is a word from God. It was weird because I have post-it notes in my Bible from past sermons in church. I write all over my Bible. And on this particular day, page and post it note was a word from God. Last year on 4/08/08 the Lord told me the same thing. Luke 10:41 "Martha, Martha" the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her."
I have been running myself to death, physically and mentally. My mind is constantly running trying to remember "what do I have to do next." I've been tempted alot lately and I just haven't been keepin the main thing the main thing. And when you lose sight of Jesus, frustration is the symptom. So, I was determined to keep my eyes on God all day and sit at Jesus' feet, even while I cleaned hotel rooms. Then my mom contacted me. We haven't seen each other or talked since she left with this other man. She text a few times wondering when she could see Allie. Well, this time I told(text) her that she couldn't see Allie alone but maybe next week we could go to McDonalds or the park and hang out for a few hours. She ask "What do you mean not alone?" I told her this was a stupid question considering she cheated on her husband lied to us both and left her own daughter for another man just like old times. You've got to understand my mom. She's never apologized to me for ANYTHING. She's hard headed and proud. She manipulates you so you feel like your wrong. I learned all my bad traits from her. She's got demons she doesn't want to try hard enough to get rid of. She takes her pills and jumps from man to man, just like I use to. I am so grateful for God's grace or I would still be like my mom today. The difference between my mom and I is that I received God's grace and I went through alot of emotional pain to end up free. God wants the same for her, she just can't except it. I can't stand Satan, he blinds multitudes from seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Anyway, moving on to her reply...........hold on, I'll give it to you verbatim, "If u cant trust me with my granddaughter and you cant except ron n my life then i cant except u n my life ill never text or call u again u turn ur back on me now im turning my back on you( oh,sorry, "u") i dont need u and i dont want to hear from u ever again i love allie and i dont need u n my life i have another daughter(what! I'm an only child) good bye"
So, needless to say, I was upset and thought about telling her how happy she just made me, but that was my flesh talking and it certainly wasn't true. So I didn't respond. I don't know why things are turning out like this. I've always wanted a family. Now I have no family. I have my daughter and I want her to have a big family with 2 parents who are totally devoted to God and each other. I think I have unrealistic expectations in a world like today. But I refuse to settle for less. I'm tired of people saying " That's Life." That's crap!!! God said in Jerimiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I want those plans.......and I will wait on the Lord.