Fiery Furnace

1 Peter 4:12-13
Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful(fiery) trial you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.
Now granted at the time Paul wrote this people were being crucified and torn apart for not renouncing Christ, so doesn't that mean I should be rejoicing all the more. (Food for thought, I just learned their were more people killed in the 20 century for Christ sake than in all the years of Christendom.CRAZY!) And the fact that he says not to think it strange. Why are people so dumbfounded when bad things happen, like they actually think bad things will never happen. It's taken me a long time to realize these things are just a part of life "that God has allowed." And to have joy throughout these trials is even weirder to hear. But we have the definition of joy all messed up. My old definition of joy was being so high I couldn't see straight. Others range from having tons of money to having the most toys or having the perfect relationship. The joy of the Lord is our strength. We should have joy knowing that God is in control and He is letting these certain things happen for your benefit here on earth and in His kingdom. So, I guess what I'm trying to do is preach to myself. In my past blogs I have told about my mom and her husband splitting up. Well, it happened last night and I was left talking to Mike while mom was at work. This morning she came home and they quietly decided who was going to get what and how they were going to split their income taxes. WEIRD. Mike is taking it better than I thought, but he knew it was coming. This affects me because I don't agree with my mom, nor does she care. She's going to do what she wants to do. She always has and always will. Men have always been a problem for my mom and that rubbed off on me. By the grace of God I am free from that bondage today, and mom could be too, but she doesn't want to go through the "sufferings" to get to the freedom. Our relationship is strained because of this. We aren't talking like we use to and the sad part is we just started talking like normal mother and daughter about 3 months ago. So she is going to jump from man to man and here is Allie and I wondering what next. The Word says "shun evil." That means even if it is your family. How do you do that? My mom is the only family I have, besides Allie. I "feel" completely alone, because I've cut off everybody else. I know it's not the truth. I have great support at the mission, but at this point that seems so far away. Today was a hard day to hold it together. Mike couldn't stop talking about it and in the end I didn't know what to say, because I can't even think straight. My life is also changing rapidly and I feel like blowing up. So, are you ready to hear the bad news? Ha. Just joking. The good news is I'm still clean. Praise the Lord. Not to say I haven't thought a drink wouldn't be good right now, but I haven't acted on it, nor will I. So, with all this going on and still trying to find a home for my daughter and I, and trying to find a job while being a convicted felon, and trying to get a drivers license, I still have a smile on my face. And only because God puts it there. I can't wait to see what I'm going to be writing in my blog this time next month, because I know God is going to come through. I just don't know how. This adrenaline junkie just got excited.
Lord, I need you, I cannot get through another day without you.

Sister One

Me Now

O.K, so I go to the mission last night for Bible Study and Patty tells me I need to put an updated picture on my blog. She said in my profile picture I was probably high and she's right. So, this is me today. I just recently got a bad haircut. So for future reference if you go inside a salon where they smoke while cutting your hair and tell one of their employees their not wearing their good glasses while cutting their finger and bleeding, just don't do it. Lesson learned. Anyway, my spirits were lifted after the study last night. Just being around these wonderful people is a blessing to me. My circumstances haven't changed since my last blog, but my attitude has. I went to go pack my stuff at the mission and when I got there I found it sitting at the front door already packed. My heart actually dropped. Tanya, my best friend, had moved her pictures into the room we both were supposed to move in and my stuff was in a suitcase at the front door!!! It's not surprising to me. Since the day I was born I have practically been living out of a suitcase. It just hurts not to get what "you think you need and what you think God wants you to do." I've learned to stop planning things any whatsoever. I'm actually looking forward to this new challenge. Usually when my back is against the wall I do my best, but my best is nothing compared to Gods'. So, I am waiting on the Lord to guide me. Literally, I have no dog in this fight, there is nothing I can do about my family falling apart, but I can still seek the Lord each and everyday and be the best Godly mother I can be. Little by little God will walk me through this trial. When I got home last night I unpacked my stuff and found a card from Tanya and a scarf she made me. It brought tears to my eyes, because she knows I'm going through a very difficult time and she is always there. In the past, my so called "friends" would just give me a pill or something and I was so grateful. I was soooo ignorant! But anyway, Tanya if you read this, I love ya girl. I don't know why I've been getting so emotional lately. I'm usually a very hard edged person, well, I use to be before Christ became a part of my life. It's scary to be as open as I am now, because there is room to be hurt. I'm still trying to get use to who I am in Christ. I find myself wanting to love on people and encourage people. The old me had a "Bubble." You did not enter my bubble unless you had something I wanted. Christ refines me more and more everyday. I am in the fiery furnace. Praise the Lord He considers me worthy of His kingdom, to prepare me before I even get there.

KEEP THE MAIN THING THE MAIN THING

I am going through a hard time. My family is falling apart. I have another court day on Febraury 19th. I need to find a job, because things at the mission just aren't feasible for Allie and I to stay there right now. I don't have a driver's liscence and it's going to be very difficult to find somewhere to work when I'm a convicted felon, moving to London in a month or so, with 2 courtdates next month and a baby. Honestly, I feel quite hopeless, but I know God is still in control and he didn't pull me out of the pit just to let me fall right back in it. When times get hard, I try to remember the phrase a very special person once said in his sermon. He said "Keep the main thing the main thing." Meaning, always keep our eyes on Jesus. There is nothing we can go through that he did not face himself. Always keep our eyes on the cross. In hard times, this is easier said than done, but it gives me hope, instead of wallowing in self pity. I am not sure of anything anymore and even God has a plan in that. Praise the Lord anyway, right.

GUESS WHAT

I GOT MY SUMMONS TODAY

THE LORD IS NOT SLOW IN KEEPING HIS PROMISE, AS SOME UNDERSTAND SLOWNESS. HE IS PATIENT WITH YOU, NOT WANTING ANYONE TO PERISH, BUT EVERYONE TO COME TO REPENTANCE. 2 Peter 3:9

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, becuase when he has stood the test, he will recieve the crown of life that God has promised to those who LOVE Him. James 1:12

What is God doing?

I made it out of my p.o.'s office yesterday. I still have a warrant out for me, but I'm still free. Praise to the Lord, because not only do I get to spend time with Allie, I am having very important conversations with my mom. The Lord is working on her and so is Satan. Mom see's how free I am now and she wants it, but Satan confuses and frightens her away from it. She told me she drank about a month ago and she's doing worse on her smoking. She's headed backward, just what Satan wants and I refuse to let him have her anymore.(Although that mainly lies in my mom's refusal than mine.) I'm trying to get mom to go to the mission. Lord, please, she's 52 and has been chained to these issues for too long. I was praying last night and I realized I was scared for my mom. But fear is not of God, so I asked God to help me with that. Then this morning I open my Bible and the first verse I read is Luke 8:50 ..."Don't be afraid, just believe, and she will be healed." How great is that. I don't know what the Lord is doing, but I just pray my mom follows along. And Lord, if there's anything I can do, show me. I don't know what I will do if mom does go to the mission. I will not leave Allie with Mike. Patty has already said it would be too difficult having Allie at the mission with me. Lord, my mind is going crazy. I don't know what's about to happen, but I feel something is about to break. In the meantime, I praise you Lord for the work your doing not only in my life, but my families life. Some except it and some don't. The one who doesn't is headed toward destruction just like I told him he would if he kept turning his back on God. God loves Mike(my mom's husband) just as much as he loves me, but Mike will not except it, so we will see what becomes of him. He see's the work of God when he see's me. I am who I am today because of God and he refuses to see that. He's mad at God because his son was shot by the cops and killed.(Mind you, he wasn't following God's ways beforehand either) He thinks God has done that to him, when He may be doing FOR him. God didn't kill his son, but nothing happens unless God allows it. It has to go through Him first. We may never know the "whys" to everything, but God giveth and He taketh away, praise the Lord anyway. Sometimes, that 's easier said than done. Well, I've rambled on enough. It's like this everytime I come home. It's more stressful to be here than to be at the mission with 8 addicts on your hands. Ha Ha. I don't know, maybe it's equal. Allie's calling for my attention, she wants to play bubbles, so duty calls. Later.

P.O.

Well, it's early. I've been up since 5:30 this morning. I have to leave the mission and go see my p.o. today. I'm just praying he doesn't have a warrant in his hand when I walk in. I've been convicted lately of just praying for God to save me from this ordeal. There are times where I pray for His will to be done, but my heart flutters when I do. I'm consciously leaving my life in the Lord's hands today. I have to do that everyday, because I tend to pick bits and pieces of it back up. I'm sad I have to leave the girls, especially when we are getting 3 more in this week. But I'm also happy because I get to go home and spend time with Allie, Lord willing. Tanya is coming back to the mission today. I've laid out some pranks all over her room. I wish I could be here to see her face when she comes face to face with them. Now, you've got to understand this girl pranks me all the time and I always say, "You just wait, it's coming!" And yet I never do anything. I'm just not as creative as her. Anyway, I finally did something, alot of somethings. He He He. I'm so weird now. The things I do and get a kick out of it. The old me would be bored to death if I wasn't high doing whatever, it didn't matter. You just don't have the same zeal for life when your high. Your just high! BORING. I can't believe I didn't realize that before. Just goes to show when you are in addiction you are literally blinded to everything else that doesn't involve getting high. LORD, I LOVE BEING FREE!