I Feel Like a Horrible Person

I've been in a funk lately and really couldn't figure out why. Really, it's same old, same old. But I guess that's whats getting to me. Since I've dedicated my life to God, I've been use to Him working superfast in my life. Now..........what. I know He's still working, but not in the areas I WANT Him to work in. I'm coming to find out lately how selfish I am. I want my driver's lisence. I'm so tired of working my schedule around everybody else's. I want someone to listen to me, but everytime I try to talk, I get cut off by other important things. I feel alone for the first time in a long time. I feel like I'm getting no where. I'm still working at this hotel, which is not good for someone like me. I found 3 different types of liquor left behind in one my rooms the other day. I took the lid off of one and just smelled it. It smelled good of course, but I put the lid back on and threw them in the trash. Good job right. Then I go to my next room and find a small bud someone had left behind. I smelled it too. It smelled good of course. Yes, I would have to say I am being tested and it sucks. I started this 10 day trial at a gym near my work. I really enjoy working out. I use to work at Gold's Gym in Cincinnatti as a personal trainer, sales, front desk chick. I was really good at what I did until I got really bad on drugs. So I applied there yesterday. They only have positions open for childcare, but I've got to start somewhere. I just need to be somewhere where I don't find drugs all the time. Somethings bound to happen, if I continue to keep myself in this situation. The part in all this that makes me a horrible person is what I told God last night. See, everybody says, "Gods got to be enough." And I felt that I truly thought God was enough, but my actions show something different. I continue to want things in my life and I'm getting frustrated because it's not happening. I'm not feeling very happy lately. So, I've done some self examination and I didn't like what I found. God is not enough for me. When I said this, it scared me. I almost stopped and didn't say it because I thought I was going to hurt Gods' feelings or He was going to punish me or something. (I don't know where I got this notion, so don't ask, Satan is alive and well) Anyway, the biggest wave of peace came over me after I admitted that. Crazy huh. That's what He's been waiting for. We can be in denial and not even know it, that's what makes it so dangerous. Any of us who have drug problems knows the first step to recovery is ADMITTING you have a problem. Well, duh. God works in the simplest ways and our human ways make it so difficult. But I know now I am on my way to recovery in (God being enough). We can say it all day and put our smiling faces on, but if it doesn't show through our actions, then we are just liars and in turn that makes us sinners and sin in sin, so I also basically just committed murder. Can I get an AMEN. Whew. Well, I think I'm done now.....Yep. That's it.

Moments like these would not be happening if it wasn't for Jesus' death and resurrection. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!

My little one....You are my sunshine.

You help me to realize more and more everyday Jesus' love and mercy.

Martha, Martha.........

Yesterday was a weird and upsetting day. Good cause the Lord spoke to me and set me straight and bad cause my mom spoke to me and wrote me off as a daughter. Well, she didn't actually speak, she text me. I will start from the beginning. Before work yesterday I got in the word, well, actually it was one of those times when you just open up the Bible and on that very page is a word from God. It was weird because I have post-it notes in my Bible from past sermons in church. I write all over my Bible. And on this particular day, page and post it note was a word from God. Last year on 4/08/08 the Lord told me the same thing. Luke 10:41 "Martha, Martha" the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her."
I have been running myself to death, physically and mentally. My mind is constantly running trying to remember "what do I have to do next." I've been tempted alot lately and I just haven't been keepin the main thing the main thing. And when you lose sight of Jesus, frustration is the symptom. So, I was determined to keep my eyes on God all day and sit at Jesus' feet, even while I cleaned hotel rooms. Then my mom contacted me. We haven't seen each other or talked since she left with this other man. She text a few times wondering when she could see Allie. Well, this time I told(text) her that she couldn't see Allie alone but maybe next week we could go to McDonalds or the park and hang out for a few hours. She ask "What do you mean not alone?" I told her this was a stupid question considering she cheated on her husband lied to us both and left her own daughter for another man just like old times. You've got to understand my mom. She's never apologized to me for ANYTHING. She's hard headed and proud. She manipulates you so you feel like your wrong. I learned all my bad traits from her. She's got demons she doesn't want to try hard enough to get rid of. She takes her pills and jumps from man to man, just like I use to. I am so grateful for God's grace or I would still be like my mom today. The difference between my mom and I is that I received God's grace and I went through alot of emotional pain to end up free. God wants the same for her, she just can't except it. I can't stand Satan, he blinds multitudes from seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Anyway, moving on to her reply...........hold on, I'll give it to you verbatim, "If u cant trust me with my granddaughter and you cant except ron n my life then i cant except u n my life ill never text or call u again u turn ur back on me now im turning my back on you( oh,sorry, "u") i dont need u and i dont want to hear from u ever again i love allie and i dont need u n my life i have another daughter(what! I'm an only child) good bye"
So, needless to say, I was upset and thought about telling her how happy she just made me, but that was my flesh talking and it certainly wasn't true. So I didn't respond. I don't know why things are turning out like this. I've always wanted a family. Now I have no family. I have my daughter and I want her to have a big family with 2 parents who are totally devoted to God and each other. I think I have unrealistic expectations in a world like today. But I refuse to settle for less. I'm tired of people saying " That's Life." That's crap!!! God said in Jerimiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I want those plans.......and I will wait on the Lord.

Only God Can Do It

Well, it's been a minute, but I'm still kicken. I've spent the last week at the mission. Allie went to her grandpa's for the week. It's been real good. I've had time to get in the word and catch up on some rest. Work is still the same, still working with a bunch of lost people. Although, I had a chance to tell one girl my testimony and she's thinking about coming to my church. Today I gave her the directions to the mission and already satan was on her back. She started making excuses, but I know God's bigger, so I'll just let him do the work. She's one of those who is under the impression, you have to clean up before you go to church. I told her if that was the case, Jesus wouldn't be saving anybody. He came for the oppressed, poor, brokenhearted and the prisoners. I hit a nerve with her and I'm just glad I could be the vessel God used for that particular day for this girl. God's word does not return void, so He has to do the rest. I think people try to get in God's way alot. We try to save people, instead of letting God do it. And let's face it, If God doesn't do it, it won't get done. And that goes for everything. All I have to do is show her Christ everyday I walk into that hotel. Put a smile on my face and show her "It can be done and you can be happy while your doing it." Anyway, I don't know how I got off on all that, but be praying for her. It's cool to see God draws people and what's funny is they don't even know it's God. Ha!

Easter is coming up. I bought the rest of Allie's Easter basket today. I'm putting one together for the first time. This is huge for me, because usually I wouldn't have the money to buy anything for her and if I did, I would return it for money. It's so good to be sober. Last year on Easter I rededicated my life to the Lord. Up until then I just thought Easter was a big egg hunt that somebody made up. I didn't know Jesus was crucified and resurrected and that's why we celebrated it. So it was a big deal for me. God's done alot of work in my life since then. I still struggle with temptation, so pray for me. I know God will always give me a way out. I just pray I will always take it. Happy Easter everyone.

Catching Up

So... it's been a while. I don't have internet access where I live at the moment, so blogging is few and far between lately. But things are going well. I'm working and Allie is in daycare. Stress has tried to get me down, but the Lord pulls me right back up. Cleaning hotel rooms isn't a glorious job, especially when you find bags of cocaine on bathroom counters your second day of work. Yeah, that's right. Satan thinks he's slick. HA. The girl I was working with "supposedly" threw it away. I guess I'll never know. It feels good to come into contact with drugs and not have to do them. I still can't believe I didn't do it. I'm just so different, it freaks me out sometime. I do know I need to get out of this job as quickly as possible, but for the moment it works out with every other area of my life. So, Gods' grace is sufficient. I was asked to give my testimony at Celebrate Recovery on the 31st. I spent 4 hours writing last night. I had never actually written my testimony down before. I usually would just wing it. I'm kinda nervous about it, but excited to tell others what God has done in my life. A bit of information I just found out today is that the judge that sent me to rehab just got indicted. They showed him on the news in an orange jumpsuit. I'm still dumbfounded. It's just weird how this person was really used by God to save me from prison and my own hell and now he's in jail and he's a judge. Just goes to show God can use bad for good. I'm sure this judge isn't a bad man, Satan just got him wrapped up like he has us all at one point in time. I pray for this man and thank God for him at the same time.

I'm still on probation and wondering who my next probation officer will be. The funny thing is....My boss at the hotel, his wife is a probation officer, and one that many have warned me about. It's just funny, God's got a sense of humor. She will probably end up being my p.o. And I'll knock her socks off. No one knows what to expect out of me anymore. Some people are just waiting for me to mess up. That's kinda what you've got to expect when you get clean. Most times even when they see it they don't believe it. Kinda like Jesus, huh. Anyway, I'm still working on getting my D.L. I have to get rides everywhere I go. It's awful being a single mother, living on your own, with no transportation and only bringing in 700 dollars cash a month. But, at this very moment I have a smile on my face, Allie is happy and healthy, I have a roof over my head, lots of food in the fridge and wonderful godly friends. I am truly blessed.

You Are Like A Ray Of Sunshine

Hey, I'm still here. My court date got moved to March 3rd. I went to court yesterday and didn't get out until 4. It was a long day, but well worth it in the end. The Lord asked me a few days ago as I was reading His word, " Is the Lord's arm too short, you will see what I will do for you." And yesterday I walked in a courtroom with 2 felonies over my head while already being a convicted felon. By worlds eyes I was going to prison, but by Gods' hand I was delivered. I walked out with 2 misdemeanors and......................well, my p.o just called me. I've basically got probation for 1 more year. It will be up April 2010. Wow. I still can't believe it. Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, niether have entered into the minds the things the Lord can do for those who love Him. Amen. I'm basking in my "freedom" glow right now.............. Not only am I free from jail, I'm free from the chains that have held me captive all these years. Allie and I have a home now. I actually found a job. I haven't got my driver's lisence yet, but I know the Lord's working on that, because He sent me someone with connections in Walmart yesterday. I'm so excited I'm about to burst. And none of this would be happening unless 2 very important people hadn't listened to God's call on their life. Patty and Scottie Sumner at the Lighthouse Rescue Mission gave up everything to help girls like me almost 4 years ago. They are like my mother and father that I never had. They showed me Christ everyday. They walked what they talked and for that I am free. Patty and Scottie, if you read this, I just want to thank you. What you do is worth it, every last detail. I know it gets hard, but there are thousands of other girls out there just like me. We just have to be willing to endure the "let downs" to get to the "oddballs" like me. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

JUDGEMENT WEEK

Well, my week has been quite interesting. Wednesday I told my mother what she was doing to me, concerning her adultering ways. I'm kinda left to pick up the pieces. She said " I didn't know I was going to get a lecture." So, my feelings were a lecture to her. I asked her if she wanted me to give up trying to have a relationship with her and she never answered. Last night I called her and left a message because she didn't answer my call. I told her to go ahead and move in with her new man, because I didn't want her to feel tied down. She had obviously made her choice. She came home this morning and packed a suitcase without saying a word to me other than asking if she could say goodbye to Allie. I said no. She didn't care enough to spend time with her while she was here, so saying goodbye shouldn't be top on her list either. I can't say I'm shocked at how this has turned out, my mother has always picked her men over me, she even picked one that molested me the whole time she was with him. She's screwed up in the head. I pray God has mercy on her, because she supposedly rededicated her life to the Lord a few months back. God will not be mocked!!! I prayed for a relationship with my mother, but it is not to be. Jesus said, " Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?"....For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother. Matt12:48-50
After my mom left today, I was very hurt, then the Lord spoke to me...."Don't become parteners with those who reject God. How can you make a partenership out of right and wrong. That's not partenership, that's war...............So leave the corruption and compromise; LEAVE IT FOR GOOD," says God. " Don't link up with those who will pollute you. I want you all for myself. I'LL BE A FATHER TO YOU; you'll be sons and daughters to me" 2 Corinthians 6:14....18
Soooo, I'm just trying to have Jesus' attitude in this situation. The old me would have went OFF.
This coming week on the 26th. I have my court date. I am finally being judged. I'm still not as nervous as I feel I should be, but I suppose as each day passes I will be a little on edge. It's in God's control, and Allie will be taken care of at The Lighthouse Rescue Mission, if I were to be locked up, so my heart is at ease. I don't think God has brought me this far to lock me up, but who knows, His ways are not my ways, nor His thoughts my thoughts. Gotta love em. Anyway, I will keep you posted. And thank you for your prayers. Prayer is the weapon that is keeping me alive.