Catching Up

So... it's been a while. I don't have internet access where I live at the moment, so blogging is few and far between lately. But things are going well. I'm working and Allie is in daycare. Stress has tried to get me down, but the Lord pulls me right back up. Cleaning hotel rooms isn't a glorious job, especially when you find bags of cocaine on bathroom counters your second day of work. Yeah, that's right. Satan thinks he's slick. HA. The girl I was working with "supposedly" threw it away. I guess I'll never know. It feels good to come into contact with drugs and not have to do them. I still can't believe I didn't do it. I'm just so different, it freaks me out sometime. I do know I need to get out of this job as quickly as possible, but for the moment it works out with every other area of my life. So, Gods' grace is sufficient. I was asked to give my testimony at Celebrate Recovery on the 31st. I spent 4 hours writing last night. I had never actually written my testimony down before. I usually would just wing it. I'm kinda nervous about it, but excited to tell others what God has done in my life. A bit of information I just found out today is that the judge that sent me to rehab just got indicted. They showed him on the news in an orange jumpsuit. I'm still dumbfounded. It's just weird how this person was really used by God to save me from prison and my own hell and now he's in jail and he's a judge. Just goes to show God can use bad for good. I'm sure this judge isn't a bad man, Satan just got him wrapped up like he has us all at one point in time. I pray for this man and thank God for him at the same time.

I'm still on probation and wondering who my next probation officer will be. The funny thing is....My boss at the hotel, his wife is a probation officer, and one that many have warned me about. It's just funny, God's got a sense of humor. She will probably end up being my p.o. And I'll knock her socks off. No one knows what to expect out of me anymore. Some people are just waiting for me to mess up. That's kinda what you've got to expect when you get clean. Most times even when they see it they don't believe it. Kinda like Jesus, huh. Anyway, I'm still working on getting my D.L. I have to get rides everywhere I go. It's awful being a single mother, living on your own, with no transportation and only bringing in 700 dollars cash a month. But, at this very moment I have a smile on my face, Allie is happy and healthy, I have a roof over my head, lots of food in the fridge and wonderful godly friends. I am truly blessed.

You Are Like A Ray Of Sunshine

Hey, I'm still here. My court date got moved to March 3rd. I went to court yesterday and didn't get out until 4. It was a long day, but well worth it in the end. The Lord asked me a few days ago as I was reading His word, " Is the Lord's arm too short, you will see what I will do for you." And yesterday I walked in a courtroom with 2 felonies over my head while already being a convicted felon. By worlds eyes I was going to prison, but by Gods' hand I was delivered. I walked out with 2 misdemeanors and......................well, my p.o just called me. I've basically got probation for 1 more year. It will be up April 2010. Wow. I still can't believe it. Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, niether have entered into the minds the things the Lord can do for those who love Him. Amen. I'm basking in my "freedom" glow right now.............. Not only am I free from jail, I'm free from the chains that have held me captive all these years. Allie and I have a home now. I actually found a job. I haven't got my driver's lisence yet, but I know the Lord's working on that, because He sent me someone with connections in Walmart yesterday. I'm so excited I'm about to burst. And none of this would be happening unless 2 very important people hadn't listened to God's call on their life. Patty and Scottie Sumner at the Lighthouse Rescue Mission gave up everything to help girls like me almost 4 years ago. They are like my mother and father that I never had. They showed me Christ everyday. They walked what they talked and for that I am free. Patty and Scottie, if you read this, I just want to thank you. What you do is worth it, every last detail. I know it gets hard, but there are thousands of other girls out there just like me. We just have to be willing to endure the "let downs" to get to the "oddballs" like me. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

JUDGEMENT WEEK

Well, my week has been quite interesting. Wednesday I told my mother what she was doing to me, concerning her adultering ways. I'm kinda left to pick up the pieces. She said " I didn't know I was going to get a lecture." So, my feelings were a lecture to her. I asked her if she wanted me to give up trying to have a relationship with her and she never answered. Last night I called her and left a message because she didn't answer my call. I told her to go ahead and move in with her new man, because I didn't want her to feel tied down. She had obviously made her choice. She came home this morning and packed a suitcase without saying a word to me other than asking if she could say goodbye to Allie. I said no. She didn't care enough to spend time with her while she was here, so saying goodbye shouldn't be top on her list either. I can't say I'm shocked at how this has turned out, my mother has always picked her men over me, she even picked one that molested me the whole time she was with him. She's screwed up in the head. I pray God has mercy on her, because she supposedly rededicated her life to the Lord a few months back. God will not be mocked!!! I prayed for a relationship with my mother, but it is not to be. Jesus said, " Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?"....For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother. Matt12:48-50
After my mom left today, I was very hurt, then the Lord spoke to me...."Don't become parteners with those who reject God. How can you make a partenership out of right and wrong. That's not partenership, that's war...............So leave the corruption and compromise; LEAVE IT FOR GOOD," says God. " Don't link up with those who will pollute you. I want you all for myself. I'LL BE A FATHER TO YOU; you'll be sons and daughters to me" 2 Corinthians 6:14....18
Soooo, I'm just trying to have Jesus' attitude in this situation. The old me would have went OFF.
This coming week on the 26th. I have my court date. I am finally being judged. I'm still not as nervous as I feel I should be, but I suppose as each day passes I will be a little on edge. It's in God's control, and Allie will be taken care of at The Lighthouse Rescue Mission, if I were to be locked up, so my heart is at ease. I don't think God has brought me this far to lock me up, but who knows, His ways are not my ways, nor His thoughts my thoughts. Gotta love em. Anyway, I will keep you posted. And thank you for your prayers. Prayer is the weapon that is keeping me alive.

Nothing like Pain to Remind you Your Alive

The past week I have been struggling with severe back pain. I was laid up in bed for 3 days straight. I've never hurt my back and I've done alot of crazy stuff. I use to be a bodybuilder and never did anything like this. I guess the devil was having a hard time getting inside my head, so he started on my body. It almost worked. I had people telling me to go to the hospital and at least get something to ease the pain, but I know that's not a good idea for someone like me. I began a rockin' pity party and I was the only one there. The good news is I passed the temptation from Satan and the test from God. I'm going to be moving to London in a few weeks with a bum back, but I'm just thankful I'm up and walking today. It reminds me that it could be alot worse. I remember laying in a hospital bed over 3 years ago with a gun shot to my stomach. I'm lucky I'm alive and that I don't have to wear a colostomy bag for the rest of my life. I had to wear one for 3 months. I was humbled tremendously. The artery in my leg was severed and I bled to death. All I remember is the blackest black that I've ever seen. I woke up a week later in ICU. I had to undergo a few more surgeries and alot more pain killers, but I stayed so high I didn't even realize what God had done for me. He saved me then, like He's saving me now. He saves me everyday I wake up. I wasn't happy about it then, but I'm so thankful now. I would be spending eternity in hell. Anyway, I don't know how I got off on this, but what I was trying to say is pain reminds you how lucky you are and that it could be worse. Just think about all the crazy, stupid things we've done over the years and we are still healthy as the next person. And then their are good people who wouldn't hurt a fly who end up paralyzed, deaf, or blind, or crippled in some way. Babies that are born with defects and deadly diseases, and here I am still kickin' it after shootin' up, drinking myself into oblivion, smoking crack, snorting cocaine, and countless other stupid and irresponsible things. I don't deserve the blessings I have today. We could ask "why" all day, but that doesn't change anything in the end. It is not for us to know. It is not our troubles that matter, it is who we are in the midst of our troubles. Do we step out and think about others or wallow in our own self pity. It doesn't matter what situation you are in, it could always be worse, and it's by the grace of God you are who you are today and you have what you have, and I'm not talking materially.

On the Fritz

My computer has been on the fritz for about a week, hence the week long gap in my blog. Not too much has happened other than finding out I'm going to have to find about a grand to even be able to begin to get my D.L. back. I also have to have a hearing to see if I can get a hardship license from Florida. If they decide not to do that for me I have to wait until 2012 to get a D.L. I also have to put an Interlock system on my car that I have to blow into before I can start it up, that is if I'm lucky enough to get a hardship license. First of all, how am I suppose to work without a license and a little girl to take care of. I am so mad, mainly at myself, because of my stupid decisions that got me into this mess. But also at the fact that the system keeps me down. How am I suppose to get back on my feet. They make it so hard. I understand why for those that have no respect and never change, but what about those that do. And I see why those that have changed revert back to the life they knew before because they feel hopeless. It's hard enough to pay bills and live life without my issues. I have to work so much harder just to get through each day. Quite frankly, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm selling football cards on ebay just to make some cash. No one will hire me. Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent.

If God's got my Heart He's got my Back

I got good news yesterday. The charges that are coming up against me are probably going to be dropped to a misdemeanor. Yippppeeeee!!! That means probation and not prison. That means being a mother to Allie full time. That means being at the mission to help other girls come throught the same thing. ( When God allows me to.) This also means that there is a God who delivers us even when we don't deserve it, for those who question the fact. We just have to submit to His ways and not our own. I'm going to Union College tomarrow with the mission. We are going to tell about the mission and give testimonies. I pray for open and interested hearts. I went there last year while I was living at the mission in recovery. I wore my traditional beanie and sweatshirt. Apparently, when we left someone said I looked like I would beat somebody up. That's totally not true....Or is it. Just joking. Anyway, I look alot different, but most of all God has allowed me to grow more of a testimony to glorify His name. And as you can see from my blogs, in order for me (an ex-junkie) to continue on everyday throughout everything working against me, God has to be my fix. He's the only one that can do what's being done in me.) And throughout me seeking Him, He has continued to give me a peace that passes all understanding and give me an out in the midst of every temptation. It just goes to show if God's got your heart He's got your back. These are the famous words of my director of the mission, friend, spiritual mother, and sister in Christ, Patty Sumner. And I find them to be true more and more everyday. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me.

Fiery Furnace

1 Peter 4:12-13
Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful(fiery) trial you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.
Now granted at the time Paul wrote this people were being crucified and torn apart for not renouncing Christ, so doesn't that mean I should be rejoicing all the more. (Food for thought, I just learned their were more people killed in the 20 century for Christ sake than in all the years of Christendom.CRAZY!) And the fact that he says not to think it strange. Why are people so dumbfounded when bad things happen, like they actually think bad things will never happen. It's taken me a long time to realize these things are just a part of life "that God has allowed." And to have joy throughout these trials is even weirder to hear. But we have the definition of joy all messed up. My old definition of joy was being so high I couldn't see straight. Others range from having tons of money to having the most toys or having the perfect relationship. The joy of the Lord is our strength. We should have joy knowing that God is in control and He is letting these certain things happen for your benefit here on earth and in His kingdom. So, I guess what I'm trying to do is preach to myself. In my past blogs I have told about my mom and her husband splitting up. Well, it happened last night and I was left talking to Mike while mom was at work. This morning she came home and they quietly decided who was going to get what and how they were going to split their income taxes. WEIRD. Mike is taking it better than I thought, but he knew it was coming. This affects me because I don't agree with my mom, nor does she care. She's going to do what she wants to do. She always has and always will. Men have always been a problem for my mom and that rubbed off on me. By the grace of God I am free from that bondage today, and mom could be too, but she doesn't want to go through the "sufferings" to get to the freedom. Our relationship is strained because of this. We aren't talking like we use to and the sad part is we just started talking like normal mother and daughter about 3 months ago. So she is going to jump from man to man and here is Allie and I wondering what next. The Word says "shun evil." That means even if it is your family. How do you do that? My mom is the only family I have, besides Allie. I "feel" completely alone, because I've cut off everybody else. I know it's not the truth. I have great support at the mission, but at this point that seems so far away. Today was a hard day to hold it together. Mike couldn't stop talking about it and in the end I didn't know what to say, because I can't even think straight. My life is also changing rapidly and I feel like blowing up. So, are you ready to hear the bad news? Ha. Just joking. The good news is I'm still clean. Praise the Lord. Not to say I haven't thought a drink wouldn't be good right now, but I haven't acted on it, nor will I. So, with all this going on and still trying to find a home for my daughter and I, and trying to find a job while being a convicted felon, and trying to get a drivers license, I still have a smile on my face. And only because God puts it there. I can't wait to see what I'm going to be writing in my blog this time next month, because I know God is going to come through. I just don't know how. This adrenaline junkie just got excited.
Lord, I need you, I cannot get through another day without you.