Married Life

I am a stay at home mother, for real. Lol. I remember being at home with Allie when I first had her, but I hated it and was high most of the time. I never appreciated or truly enjoyed the benefits of staying at home. I always took it as being held down by the "man". I thought I needed to be bringing home money in order to be "somebody", didn't like being put in the same catagory as " barefoot and pregnant". But God changes people and he has changed me. There are some, well alot of areas that still need work, but I kinda like it that way. Gives me something to look forward to, because I know God is never going to give up on me. I've been married for 4 months now and it's going better than I thought it would. Robert and I use to get high together 24/7. We really didn't know each other sober, maybe for a couple months, but nothing that lasted. So this new life we are living is completely new. I've been out of rehab for over a year and he just got our 3 months ago. He will not admit it, but it's harder than he thought it would be. I still worry that he will start getting high again, but I leave that in God's hands. I can't change people, I can only pray for people. He works with this guy who gets high on pills, which was our thing, among other things, and I just pray he will stay strong and never give into that temptation. He wants to go back to Florida, which is where we moved from to get away from trouble, and got into even more trouble here. And that would be fine with me, I love Florida, but I just don't trust him enought to go back yet. Is that bad or what? It's bad when your past still haunts you. I thought I had gotten past alot of this stuff when I was at the mission, but God has allowed me to get into this situation just so he can change me even more into the image of Christ. As a new wife trying to walk as Jesus did, I hold my tongue alot. And I'm finding out what I'm made of, which is alot of crap without God. He's the only thing that makes me worth anything. I've started going to this new church and it's o.k. I had a couple friends who go there who use to go to the mission church when it was open. Oh, yeah, the mission closed, forgot to tell ya that. That was huge for me, not the mission, but the fact that Patty and Scottie were moving 3 hours away. They are my spiritual parents and my best friends. The know me inside and out and it just sucks that I can't pull up and see them whenever I want now. But yet again that's God's way of making me stronger in Christ and I welcome it. Back to what I was sayin' about the church, it's just not like it was at the mission, and I guess I have to realize, nothing will ever be like it was at the mission. I just feel like I'm doing nothing for God. I know I just need to get involved with the church, but I've never done that before and being with a man who isn't as "into" God as I am, it makes it kinda hard. I can't just leave whenever I want to, because I don't have a driver's lisence and I depend on him for a ride. So, yet again I feel stuck. Except for now I feel comfortably stuck. But then I feel guilty for being comfortable. I should be doing something, I came out of hell for goodness sake. I don't know, I'm rambling, but this is the stuff that goes through my head ALL THE TIME. My spirit still wars with my flesh, I think worse now that I know the truth. It was easy before, I was comfortable in sin, I was sin, I didn't have the convictions I have now that make me a nervous wreck so much I can't think straight. I was reading Isaiah this morning and it hit me.
Isaiah 28:10-13 For it is: Do and do, do and do, rule on rule, rule on rule a little here, a little there. Very well then, with foreign lips and stange tongues God will speak to this people, to whom he said, "This is the resting place, let the weary rest, and ,"This is the place of repose but they would not listen. So then, the word of the Lord to them will become: Do and do, do and do, rule on rule, rule on rule; a little here, a little there- so that they will go and fall backward, be injured and snared and captured.
This explains the way I've been feeling lately. I think, " why can't I do that and get by with it?" "Why can't I have any fun doing that anymore?" Screaming there's so many rules. But once again I know the truth. I know it is for my well being and those around me that these "rules" are set in place. I know that I am a chosen child of God because I can't do these horendous things and laugh about it. I know Satan is fighting for my mind, and if he gets my mind, my body follows. I also know that the war is already won, I just have to keep my armor on and continue to fight the good fight. And so I will............................................

Big News

I'm currently still at the Lighthouse Rescue Mission. Things are going great. We don't have any girls here and it's just Patty(director) and me sittin around learning more and more about God and ourselves. I don't know what the future holds with me and the Lighthouse. Things are changing and God's doing big things. I just have to be patient and wait for the Lord to move in my life. I got married on Sepember 25th to Allie's father. He's been begging me to marry him for years now. I didn't ever go through with it before because I knew we were headed for disaster in the lifestyle we led. I know before in my blogs I told you I had completely cut him off and moved on. And I did, but he didn't. He has fought for his family and I've seen God do big changes in him. He graduates from the Hope Center in a week. Then he will be coming to the mission that I work at to stay for 2 weeks and then home with me. It's so wierd he's going to be staying in the same place I lived for a year in recovery. God makes all things beautiful in HIS time. (Ecclesiastes 3:11) It amazes me how if we just follow the simple verse in Matthew 6:33-But seek FIRST his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you as well. If we just seek God's will in everything, he will give us the desires of our heart. And the closer you get to God and get to know Him the more your desires change into His desires. I know we still need alot of work, but I'm finally willing to work at it. I always ran away from hard situations before thinking I was saving myself some trouble, but only made it worse. I'm excited about this new season in my life. I don't know what God is going to do or where He is going to send me in the months ahead, but I'm just happy I'm doing it with Him. Pray for me, because submitting to a man is difficult for me, but if I want to please God, this is part of my call. My past has made me this way, but God says, "Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing. Now, it springs up! Do you not percieve it? Isaiah 43:18-19

Princess Goforth

Things change so quickly. This Friday was my last day at the hotel Heritage Inn. I am going back to the Lighthouse Rescue Mission to work. See, just recently I told my boss at the hotel that I was looking for another job because I needed to make more money for a lawyer. I'm currently trying to find a lawyer that can help me out with getting a hardship license. I found one that will take my case for 500 down and 125 an hour. Obviously I can't do that working this job. I can't just go find a job anywhere and work any hours, because I have to work around my ride. So I'm in a predicament. Fast forward a couple weeks to this past Wednesday. I was talking to Patty at the mission and she said they still need a secretary. The job is basically volunteer work and I will only be getting paid 100 a week. So, I'm in a leap of faith right now. God has taken care of me thus far and I have confidence He will continue to take care of me. I'm really excited about going back to the mission and yet kinda scared. I start thinking about my daughters' future: school, clothes, doctors, Christmas, the usual and wonder "how?" That's what Satan tries to do. He gets you looking into the future and if your me you proceed to freak out. I was reading James this morning and in chapter 4:13-14 Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money," Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

I just want to make the best of every opportunity. I want to make a difference and serve God where He wants me and if that means very little money then I guess that just makes it that more exciting. Alot of people will not understand why I choose to do this. And I say to those people, " You just haven't met God yet" I want to look back on my life and say, " I made the best of every opportunity God gave me." I call that a fullfilled life. Like John 10:10 says The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full. (An abundant life)

So I embark on this journey. God told me a over a year ago that I would be at the mission, but over the months I began to wonder whether I misunderstood. All I could do was keep standing on his promise. I've gone back out into the world and I know there's nothing out there for me. It's not like it use to be. So I've waited for God's timing and I know I can do all things through Christ, but I still need your prayers. Esther 4:14 For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this.

If I remain in the world and just "work" for the rest of my life relief and deliverance for others who still live in the bondage I once lived in will arise from somewhere else, but I would have missed the "opportunity" to make the best out of what God has given me and my family will perish without ever having made an impact in the kingdom of God. And who knows but that I have become a sister to Christ, a child of God (Princess) and heir to the thrown for such a time as this. It just puts a smile on my face. God Bless

My Saving Grace

Life is still life as usual, but my mind has been slipping lately. It's only a matter of time before my body follows unless I get it together. For the last 2 weeks I have been craving a drink so bad my mouth is watering right now. Usually it comes and goes, but stress has overtaken me and it's getting hard to fight it off. I'm still working at Heritage Inn and still finding alcohol and drugs on a daily basis. I've been in contact with Allie's dad, which has been interesting and stressful. Allie seen her dad for the first time in 2 and half years a few weekends ago. He seems to be doing better and I will pray for him always but I have my reservations. It's not necessarily him stressing my out, it's my church family around me. They somewhat rejected Robert and really don't want to give him the time of day, so in a sense I felt rejected and judged. I know Jesus said to love everyone, not just the good ones. so my faith has been tried a little. I know my sisters and brothers didn't mean to come off this way and that they truly want the best for me. They are like my moms and pops, so I guess if I had the pope himself by my side, he still wouldn't be good enough. That makes me feel good to look at it that way. I've learned through my short christian walk that even the holiest person on earth makes mistakes. I guess I'm learning more about me in the long run. I'm learning that there are going to be times when I fall, but I have to remember to reach my hand back out to let Christ lift me up again. I'm just scared to death to fall. I've kinda got a perfect record for 19 months now. I still can't believe I've been sober this long. So inside my head, I'm wondering "whens the day?" I just had my best friend fall a few days ago and I hurt for her and a little worried that I didn't do enough to stop her. She's devastated and she's definitely facing the consequences. That's what us addicts don't think about when we want to get high, is the consequences. I know she's hurting, but I have learned from her. My urge to go drink has lessened dramatically. In all actuality I'm scared. I've worked too hard and too long and I have too much to lose to fall now. All I can do is beg God to keep me and that's exactly what I'm doing. I am begging to keep my life right now. I went to Harlan this weekend. I really needed it. I tried to relax most of the time, but my mom decided to text me this morning. Needless to say things once again didn't end well, but my flesh broke out and my old verbal abusive self came out. I just got so tired of her thinking she was the victim and always in the right. She had the nerve to say that the abuse that happened to me as a kid was My fault, so let me tell you this one thing I know. If Christ did not live in me today, I would be high or dead. Throughout everything I've endured these past few weeks I can still look outside and enjoy the beauty of another day and be sssooooooooooooooo thankful I am sober and have my babygirl near me. Actually she's at her papaws for a week. It gets harder every time. If nothing else, I can't fail my daughter and that in itself puts a burden on me. She definitely keeps me going and God knew just what I needed in times like these.

Lord, if not for me, keep me clean for her.
In Jesus name. Amen

People are Enslaved to Whatever Defeats Them

I've kinda had writer's block lately. The block is exhaustion, but the Lord is still workin'. I went to my first womens' convention last weekend. It was great to hang out with christian girlfriends and have a good time. I got to see Matthew West, Kathy Troccoli, Karen Kingsbury, Stormie Omartin, Chonda Pierce and a few more. It was definitely an experience, but I would have to say my favorite part was the road trip itself. I love to travel and I'm hoping the Lord grants me that desire frequently. During the past few weeks I also started talking to Allie's dad again. Big mistake. I know. Right before he started calling me the Lord told me to let him go. I didn't understand that, because we weren't talking at the time. But he called a few days later and my weakness overcame me of having my family back no matter what it takes. In the end, throughout many phone calls I was rejected for another women who parties and drinks 24/7. Basically an older version of me.(The old "me" and I think he realized that) She's in Lexington where he resides at the Hope Center, so I guess it's also more convienant for him. It kinda killed me because he spent months begging me back in his life and when I finally give in, he moves on. After we hung up I thanked the Lord for the work he was doing in my life, because I was praying for the door to close if He didn't want it because I was too weak. So in the end Robert's rejection was God's protection and I am forever grateful. At church Wednesday night someone mentioned a quote about how we ask for blessings but we have our hands full of other things, so we can't receive what God has for us. And at that moment that just made perfect sense to me. I've basically been waiting to see if this could work out. I've been waiting for almost 2 years. I feel I am finally able to move on now. See, all this time I've worried about drugs taking me down, but really it has always been men. And this scripture says it all: "For uttering bombastic, empty words, they seduce, by fleshly desires and debauchery, people who have barely escaped from those who live in error. They promise them freedom, but they themselves are slaves of corruption, since people are enslaved to whatever defeats them. For if, having escaped the world's impurity through the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in these things and defeated, the last state is worse for them than the first. For it would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness than, after knowing it, to turn back from the holy commandment delivered to them. It has happened to them according to the true proverb: A dog returns to it's own vomit and , a sow after washing itself, wallows in the mud. 2 Peter 2:18-22
Lord, thank you for your grace, mercy and protection. I would still be in hell without you. Amen.

I Feel Like a Horrible Person

I've been in a funk lately and really couldn't figure out why. Really, it's same old, same old. But I guess that's whats getting to me. Since I've dedicated my life to God, I've been use to Him working superfast in my life. Now..........what. I know He's still working, but not in the areas I WANT Him to work in. I'm coming to find out lately how selfish I am. I want my driver's lisence. I'm so tired of working my schedule around everybody else's. I want someone to listen to me, but everytime I try to talk, I get cut off by other important things. I feel alone for the first time in a long time. I feel like I'm getting no where. I'm still working at this hotel, which is not good for someone like me. I found 3 different types of liquor left behind in one my rooms the other day. I took the lid off of one and just smelled it. It smelled good of course, but I put the lid back on and threw them in the trash. Good job right. Then I go to my next room and find a small bud someone had left behind. I smelled it too. It smelled good of course. Yes, I would have to say I am being tested and it sucks. I started this 10 day trial at a gym near my work. I really enjoy working out. I use to work at Gold's Gym in Cincinnatti as a personal trainer, sales, front desk chick. I was really good at what I did until I got really bad on drugs. So I applied there yesterday. They only have positions open for childcare, but I've got to start somewhere. I just need to be somewhere where I don't find drugs all the time. Somethings bound to happen, if I continue to keep myself in this situation. The part in all this that makes me a horrible person is what I told God last night. See, everybody says, "Gods got to be enough." And I felt that I truly thought God was enough, but my actions show something different. I continue to want things in my life and I'm getting frustrated because it's not happening. I'm not feeling very happy lately. So, I've done some self examination and I didn't like what I found. God is not enough for me. When I said this, it scared me. I almost stopped and didn't say it because I thought I was going to hurt Gods' feelings or He was going to punish me or something. (I don't know where I got this notion, so don't ask, Satan is alive and well) Anyway, the biggest wave of peace came over me after I admitted that. Crazy huh. That's what He's been waiting for. We can be in denial and not even know it, that's what makes it so dangerous. Any of us who have drug problems knows the first step to recovery is ADMITTING you have a problem. Well, duh. God works in the simplest ways and our human ways make it so difficult. But I know now I am on my way to recovery in (God being enough). We can say it all day and put our smiling faces on, but if it doesn't show through our actions, then we are just liars and in turn that makes us sinners and sin in sin, so I also basically just committed murder. Can I get an AMEN. Whew. Well, I think I'm done now.....Yep. That's it.

Moments like these would not be happening if it wasn't for Jesus' death and resurrection. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!

My little one....You are my sunshine.

You help me to realize more and more everyday Jesus' love and mercy.